Yoga is life.

I love my job. I am so fortunate. Being a yoga instructor is such a rewarding job.
It makes you feel good to be sharing your passion with other people.
I teach a class and I am in another "zone".
Every worry I have is gone. Every thought, every concern disappears.
I am a different person. I am outspoken and a leader.
I let go of my insecurities and I am confident with who I am.
Teaching is magic.
I give a lot during a yoga class though. I share my energy with every student.
I send out positive thoughts, positive vibes, good energy etc.
After teaching 8-10 class a week...... it can drain you.
I have to remember to practice on my own and renew my energy.
We all have shitty days. We all have days where we just don't want to do anything.
Being a yoga instructor you can't go to work angry/sad/frustrated.
You have to come to class with a smile and positive thoughts to share.
It's not always easy. Sometimes it feels impossible.
On days like this, I dread teaching at first because it's normal instinct.
After the class begins and I start flowing everything else falls away.
Nothing else matters except that class and those students.
I get those 60 minutes to be completely free with my students.
I get to share my creativity with the people who come to practice with me.
Yoga is not just a form of exercise. It's a way to live your life.
Free from judgment. Free from ego. Free from attachment.
Free from hatred. Free from anger.
It's not just the physical practice that can be magical.
It's the quiet moments in between when your mind is at peace and heart completely open.
It's not about your past. It's about the person you are working to become.
It's not about how you look in a pose. It's not about what brand your yoga pants are.
It's not about the person on the mat beside you. It's about your mind, body and soul.
It is about finding complete happiness with yourself and your life,
no matter where it may take you.
Yoga doesn't judge you. It doesn't deny you.
Being a teacher is not a competition with every other teacher.
You can't compare one teacher to another,
we are individuals with different thoughts and ways of living and teaching.
We have different ideas to bring to practice.
Some of us are more gentle while others are more intense.
We are human too. We can't master every pose just because we took a 200hr training.
We face challenges in life as well. We struggle with our daily practice.
We fight to sit still for a 5 minute meditation.
To some, teaching is natural instinct. To others it takes days/months/years of practice.
We are our own person with thoughts, feelings, emotions etc.
Remember this in the next class you're in. It may change your way of thinking.
Yoga is bigger than all of us. It is a lifestyle to work towards every day.
Yoga. Is. Life.

I'm only human, I'm bound to make some mistakes.

"I wanna walk, in righteousness, but I keep tripping over ditches of my selfishness...."

Lately life has seemed a little "off" to me. No matter how good things are going for me I feel that I have forgotten to be thankful for it all. I have taken so many people for granted. I have not always treated people in my life as well as they deserve to be treated.

I can be spiteful. I can be selfish. I can be rude and sarcastic. I don't always think before I speak. Sometimes my words hurt more than they help. At times I am so guarded I forget how to let others in (without burdening them with my past).  As much as I try to be this "good person" I fail miserably at times. I challenge people. I test the limits. I can be unappreciative. I forget how to love.

I notice this in my relationship with those closest to me. My mom. My sister. My boyfriend. I tend to be short tempered. Easily annoyed. Thoughtless with my words. I am sarcastic but I shouldn't make those I love feel "stupid" or inadequate.

My heart is big and my love is bigger. I am a giver, a nurturer. When you come into my life, I want to make sure you are happy. I try to be open and carefree. I am a listener. I sit quietly and take it all in. At times this isn't good, sometimes I need to talk and let it all out. I have to move deeper into my positive aspects and let go of the negative.

I write all this because my body has been talking to me lately. I have been tripping over my words (stuttering, not being able to get the right word out, especially when teaching). My right eye has been twitching constantly for the past week. I have been restless beyond belief. All of these things seem to be caused by stress (or lack of sleep). How ironic that the yoga teacher, who works everyday to relax others and make their life a little happier, is stressed out and unhappy.

I have forgotten to take time for myself. To practice what I teach. To talk about my problems and all the things going on in my life. This past year has brought so many changes in my life. I tend to bottle it all up, instead of let it all go. Yes, some of the things are wonderful things to happen but they are still huge life changes and with that can come stress.

I went through a 3 month training to teach yoga. I moved from CA back to NC. I started working new jobs teaching yoga. I moved back in with my mom. I started a new "serious" relationship for the first time in I don't know.....5 years? My boyfriend is in the military and lives 2.5 hours away from me. I sat with my mom in the hospital for days while she had a major 7 hour surgery. My dog was killed after being hit by a car. One month later my grandpa passed away unexpectedly in my backyard when I was the only one here with him.  I've struggled constantly on having a relationship with my father.

I need to get on the right track. To deal with all the stress that has been going on in my life. To show love and compassion towards those closest to me. To use my words to help and inspire. I need to work daily at becoming who I truly want to be. I want to connect with the land. To meditate daily (outside if possible). I want to get back to my own daily yoga practice. I want to appreciate everything I have in my life. Love all of the beautiful people that I am so fortunate to have in my life.

I want to respect, honor, and inspire my family and my boyfriend. They all deserve the world for what they do for me and I want to show them how much they mean to me. It is the absolute least I can do. Life is too freaking short to do anything else than love with all I've got.

I'll be Missing You.

Lately some days have just been unbearable. All I want to do is lay in my bed. Losing my Grandpa, and being the one to find him has truly taken a toll on my body and mind. He was the sweetest man I knew. He gave anything he could to anyone who would take it. He was constantly working fundraisers to give to people who needed it. He was a joker, a funny guy who would always put a smile on my face the minute I saw him. He made my heart happy. My grandpa was a quiet man who took a lot in and had so much knowledge of all sorts of things. I remember sitting my his truck one day playing with this toy that taught kids about the presidents. He knew every single one of the answers and I don't think I knew even one.  I believe I learned to listen from him, to take things in and speak with words that had meaning and value. I definitely think I got his sense of humor, his sarcasm and joking ways. My grandpa was there for me when my father wasn't. He was the dad I needed at times and didn't have. I asked him a few years ago , if I ever got married, would he walk me down the aisle. It took him a minute, he wanted me to b sure it was what I wanted but then he agreed. It makes me so sad he will never get to see me get married. That my children will never get the chance to meet the most amazing man in my life. His memory will live on and I will have so many funny stories to share but really I just want him back here with me. I want to hear his funny laugh when he was trying not to laugh. His laugh when someone (or he) tells an inappropriate joke. I want my dog and him to be back so he can come tell me how Freedom is in the backyard cussing cause I won't go get her a cheeseburger. I want to have another yardsale with him. Spending the entire morning trying to sell junk for way more than it is worth and getting lots of good laughs at peoples reactions to his prices. I want one more of the best hugs in the entire world. I have never met a person who could give a better hug than my grandpa. He was a tough Sgt Major in the Marine corps but really he was a big sweet teddy bear that everybody loved and admired.

I get so mad some days. I get so sad. Some days I can't even stand to think about him or the memories because it just hurts too much. Thinking about his laugh and smile. His beautiful blue eyes. His big arms that could make any day better. The way he joked like a little kid. He cared so much and loved so much. He just wanted to see his family happy. I learned a lot from him. I will continue learning from him. No matter how hard my day is I have to remember the good. Remember how fortunate I am. How much love there is throughout my family. I have to remember that we are all in this together. We all share the same love and we have to give it and receive it openly.

I mostly wrote this for myself. I cried the entire time but I needed it. It's hard for me to open up and talk about what happened. But writing this, remembering him, it helped.  I miss my Grandpa more than words could ever express.

From my experience....

Many of my days have been spent trying to make my life into something I wanted it to be.

I would go places and do things depending on what society expected. 

When I was in my teens I actually believed I needed to go to a university, start a great career, find the "perfect guy", get married, have kids and live happily ever after. 

I stopped believing that when I was about 19 or 20. I no longer believe there is some ideal life we are supposed to live. There is no path we are all meant to follow together, exactly the same. 

I have traveled a good amount since I was 20 and I have experienced truly amazing things but I have come to realize I may have been traveling for some of the wrong reasons.

I believe in the back of my mind I was always secretly hoping to find love along the road. Some hippy man with long hair and bare feet that would sweep me off my feet, into his VW van and drive me around North America. I mean, I guess we all have those "dreams" but I feel many days of my traveling were spent seeking out this man, trying to force it to happen. I was not genuinely happy because I was always wanting something more. 

Now that I am 25 (I know that is not old but I have experienced more in my life) I have noticed a few things. 

First, I think in order for you to be genuinely happy in your life you need to be working a job that you love. Work a job that you look forward to going to every single day. Do something that makes you feel like you are making a positive impact on the world and people around you. A job that makes you want to tell people all the time about your amazing experiences with the people you work with and the job that you get to do. Don't work a job that makes you dread getting out of bed every morning. Don't work somewhere that leaves you feeling stressed and overwhelmed every time you are there. Don't work in a place that has negative energy all around (from the boss, to the janitor). Find something you are passionate about, something you can picture yourself doing for the rest of you life, and make it your "career". 

Second, I believe we need to surround ourselves with positive, like-minded people. I read a quote that said "we become like the 5 people you spend the most time with, choose carefully". Take a minute to really think about that. Who are you around the most in your life? Where is most of your time spent? With family? Friends? Co-workers? Pets? Now, how do you feel about these people? Are they people you wouldn't mind being like? Or are they people who you hope to never become? It is important you surround yourself with happy people that help you become a better person. People who motivate and inspire you, not people who bring you down and stress you out. Choose. Wisely. 

Third, stop worrying about what society thinks you need to be. I've spent too much of my life worrying about what society thinks. What should I wear? What should I eat? When should I get married? Should I have kids by now? Am I too fat? Should I have more money? etc etc etc. Doing that gets us nowhere. We should only worry about what it is we enjoy, how we feel about ourselves and what makes us the most happy in life. Society is fucked up. It's incredibly unrealistic in more ways than one. Listen to YOUR heart, listen to YOUR mind, listen to what it is YOU want. 

Fourth, stop caring so much about money. Yes, we all want to make enough money to live a comfortable life without worries of paying bills or running out of food. But if our days our spent simply focusing on how much money we are making and constantly needing more, we will never be satisfied. If it turns out that you get to work a job you are absolutely in love with AND makes tons of money, awesome! Otherwise be happy with what you have. Stop feeling that you need to have the next best thing. Those fancy restaurants will never be as good as a meal made at home with loved ones. Who cares what brand of anything you have. Don't give in to the richness of society. We can easily get by with much less than we believe. I have read that people that live in places where they have less are often happier because they aren't living a life constantly working to get more and more, they are okay with what they have. 

Fifth, stop searching for your "perfect soul mate". I know from experience, the person you are meant to be with will come along when you least expect it, when you stop searching. Immerse yourself in activities you love. Start that new hobby you have been wanting to try for the past few years. Take a class, yoga, kick boxing, zumba, book club, cooking, etc. Find those things in life that excite you and jump in to them all, the right person, with similar interest will fall into your arms. Wait until you're ready though. Allow yourself time alone, time to be single and know how it feels to live on your own, independent. Many people my age seem so dependent on having another person around, sometimes just to have them around not because they are in love or care deeply about the other person, just so they aren't lonely. Find out who you are as a person, what makes you happy, what you want to accomplish in your life, then let someone else join you in your journey. Like I said earlier I had my "dream guy" but that didn't exactly work out. I now have an amazing guy that is in the military (something I never wanted) but we share so many common interest and ideas on life. We do yoga together, we workout, we cook food, we talk, we read, we joke and laugh constantly, we talk about our future and goals we have for ourselves. I have never been so comfortable with another person before. When it is right, you know. This guy came along right when I had stopped looking, when I was ready to move off again to some far away place and never look back. Let it happen on its own. 

Lastly! Let go of everything in your life that is no longer serving you. Let go of things that stress you out, make you angry, cause you pain, heartache, discomfort, worry etc. No matter what it is. If it's your job, find a new one. If it's where you live, move. If it's your family, distance yourself. If it's your spouse, let them go. If it's your friends, find new ones. Allow yourself this. Don't have anything in your life just to have it, enjoy and appreciate everything. 

You and everyone around you deserve to find happiness and peace in life. If we all did these things I think the world would become a little lighter, a little happier, a little brighter. Try it out. Let me know how it goes.

Remember,

Stay humble. Be grateful. Love Freely.

Namaste

Yoga isn't a Body Type.

I hear so many people saying "Oh, she's got a perfect yoga body." And in my head I think, what does that even mean? Since when is there a specific type of body for yoga? It makes me so sad when people think they can't practice yoga because they are bigger than other people, or older than others, or less flexible than some. Everyone has a perfect body for yoga.

Yoga has become my biggest passion over the last year. I have finally found my calling and I feel it is my goal to spread the joy of yoga to everyone I meet.

 To me, yoga isn't just something I teach. Yoga isn't just a set of poses I practice. Yoga isn't a workout you do just to get fit. Yoga isn't what you do to get the "perfect yoga body". Because, honestly what is that body ? If it was meant to be that way, I wouldn't be teaching yoga because this girl has some curves and I love them.

To me, yoga is a lifestyle. You carry yoga with you on and off your mat. Yoga is something you live and breathe. It is a vision you share with everyone you meet. Besides the asanas and pranayama practice, yoga is about looking deeper within yourself. Learning who you are and becoming the person you want to be. It is about sharing love and joy with everyone. Yoga teaches you to let go of those things in life not serving you and to be okay allowing yourself to do so. It is about becoming a better person and helping others around you do the same. It is about loving without limits. Yoga helps you love the person you are...at this very moment. It teaches you to live in the present, because "it's the only place that life exists".

Yoga is a way of living your life. I wish I could share that with everyone. I wish everyone would stop thinking you have to look a certain way to practice. Or that your poses have to be "perfect", because we all have different bodies and we all can't achieve a pose that looks exactly like another persons. Sometimes our anatomy can prevent us from getting as deep in a pose as another person.

It's all about having the perfect practice for YOUR body and learning to let go of the thoughts of what someone else is doing or how you believe you are supposed to look in the pose. Close your eyes. Listen to your body. Feel the pose. When you leave your mat. Carry your breath with you. Carry the lightness with you. Carry the happiness with you. And share it. Share every last bit of it. With everyone you meet.

This is what I am trying my best to do.

I will do things I've never done before, 'cause I'm powerful and I'm not afraid anymore...

I believe I have finally found that "thing". You know the thing you spend your life trying to find? Something that makes you happy doing day in and day out. The thing that doesn't make you drag your feet walking out the door to go do. The thing that makes you feel like you're doing something good with your life. Something that you feel so proud to tell people about.

Teaching yoga is making me such a happy person. I feel strong and positive and like I am making a positive impact on people around me. I've only taught 3 classes so far and after every class I feel so.....good. I love sharing something I love so much with other people. Knowing that people who have never tried yoga before are coming to my class makes me feel amazing. When the people return for the next class I am humbled.  You know people can leave telling you it was a great class and that they really enjoyed it but the proof lies in if they return to your class or not. Nobody is obligated to me and it makes me happy to know that people are coming back and my class is slowly growing.

This is just the beginning. I am just getting started on this journey but already I feel so great about what I am doing. Knowing that (hopefully) for at least an hour I can help relieve someone of the stress and worry that may have built up over the course of their day or week is something special. I truly cannot wait to start teaching kids along with doing classes for adults. I feel like I have so much to offer and I can't wait to begin sharing it with more people.

I am no Master, I know Nothing.

So I've spent most of my life being incredibly confused when it comes to religion. It was never something I made a huge part of my life, in fact it was something I often tried to distance myself from. There were just so many things I would read or have questions about and would be told to "just believe, you just have to trust". I guess for me that has always been difficult to do.

I've been doing so much thinking lately with my yoga course. It's opened my eyes in many different ways. It is changing my life on a daily basis. I've become less fearful of religion and more open to hearing what people believe and why they believe what they do. I have become closer with the earth (which probably sounds silly to some people) but it has made me realize this world we are living in is so incredibly magical. The people we share this world with are beautiful. We are fully provided for.

But, upon further thinking and meditation I have come to realize we (America) are such a greedy society. We take more than we need. We waste more than some will ever even have. We don't nurture that earth that provides for us, instead we continue to build and tear down the beautiful, natural habitat that's been created for us. We pollute our air, our ocean, our land. We seem to forget where we began. Living off the land. Growing our own food. Hunting to provide for our family, simply because it was needed to survive. Now we seem to expect meat at every meal, not even stopping to think where it came from or how it got to us. We waste unbelievable amounts of food on a daily basis yet we have people starving in all parts of the world. Our greed seems to be overpowering the need to sustain our earth. The earth that provides for us every single day. The earth that provides us a place to grow our own fruits/vegetables/herbs etc. The earth that allows animals to live and grow. The earth the supplies us with ample amounts of water.

We. Have. So. Much.

Yet we seem to appreciate so little. So much is taken for granted on a daily basis. This isn't me talking just about other people, I am as guilty as the next person. But what is different is that I am learning and I am trying to grow and make changes in attempt to make a difference.

Now, I've gotten a little off track but my whole point is that this world we live in is amazing. As are the people we share it with. Regardless of your religion or what background you have.....love seems to be the bottom line. Sometimes I used to say "If there is a God why would he let these terrible things happen?". But what I seem to have learned is that we make these things happen. We separate people. We create groups of people who are "more important" than others. We have weapons and wars. We create greed over money and materialistic things. We form organized religions that exclude certain people for something they may do differently that others. Instead we should be coming together as one united WORLD. We should all share love and laughter and light. We should grow our own food and raise our animals with love and compassion. We should appreciate that land that has been given to us and never take one square foot for granted. Our love has to be one love, for all creatures, all beings, all land, all of everything on this earth. Then, I believe, changes will begin to happen.

So, as I continue my journey I continue to make changes. I continue to become wiser every day. My eyes are opened a little bit wider with every sunrise. With every sunset I try to reflect what has been given to me and how I became so lucky. I want to stop taking things for granted and TRULY appreciate every little thing that I have. Every beautiful person in my life. The sunsets I see. The moon. The stars. The plants. The animals. Everything. I am so provided for. I am diving deeper into my spiritual practice and continuing to try and find my own path.

Sending all my love to all my friends reading this <3 p="">

Sept 2012 Poem

Found this poem in my journal from last year. Thought I would share it.

Sometimes my world feels upside down
This path I am on hasn't turned the right way
I know what to do but not what to say.
I'm scared of these mistakes, scared of the end
my only problem is, where do I begin.
So many changes, all these thoughts running free
But the process, the work, seems impossible to me.
Our country's in pieces, our men are at war
when they return home, they don't know what's in store.
My heart breaks at the thought of the pain they will soon face
The sorrow, despair, those thoughts won't be replaced.
Our children are hungry. Our veterans are poor.
Yet one man has a mansion, gold makes up his door.
The governments twisted, we've lost the right sight
I often wonder, how those people can sleep at night.
I can't believe the lies, too many don't even take a second glance.
All of  these people simply want another chance.
We need to remember we're together every day
United as one is how we all must try and stay.

The Constant in Life is Change

I've had millions of thoughts running through my mind constantly lately. It's been incredibly hard to quiet my mind enough to even do my yoga practice. The other night I went out with my best friend so we could have some time together before I go back home for 10 days. We had drinks on a beautiful roof top bar with her boyfriends mom and aunt then had a little time to ourselves to talk. As I mentioned my mind has been a bit of a mess so it was really good to talk to her. After we left the rooftop bar we went back to the mom and aunt's condo they were staying in because they wanted to cook us dinner. The place was beautiful. Right on the water. We went out on to the balcony to see the view and I almost started crying. I stood out there for a few minutes taking it all in. Thinking. Remembering. Thinking.

The view from the rooftop bar

I have been in California for 6 months now and I have enjoyed it so very much. I have wonderful family friends who have taken me in as their own, no questions asked. I have met some incredible friends who I feel so lucky to now have in my life. I met an amazing guy who has had such a life changing impact on my life. I started a yoga teaching course which is just the beginning of another journey in my beautiful life. I feel so fortunate.

Sometimes things don't always work out how we want them to. But then when we take a step back and remember the bigger picture, we realize things work out as they should. My heart has been heavy the last few days. I have been contemplating (pretty seriously) about coming home when I am done with my yoga course. I know most people will read this and think, WHAT?! Why would she want to come back to North Carolina? She is in California, what would make her want to be back there? And what I have to say to these people is this; My family is my entire world. They are my rock. My backbone. They keep me strong. They push me to do things I may have been too scared to do without them. They remind me of who I am and who I want to be. They encourage me to live my dreams and never look back. They love me unconditionally and support every single thing I do with my life. Without them there is no way I would be who I am today. They have helped make me the caring, selfless, passionate, free spirited, happy person I am today.

With all that being said, I can't stand to be so far away from them for so long anymore. I miss them every single day. I cringe at the thought of all the things I am missing out on with my nieces. I miss getting hugs from them every day. I miss laughing and talking and dancing and singing and sharing life with all of them. When someone is as lucky as me to have such an amazing family, I feel I need to be closer to them. So I want to be. I also miss my best friends greatly. I miss our nights out and our long talks and our fun times together. It's hard to find quality friends in life and I need them closer.

I also don't think it is financially feasible for me to stay in California much longer after my yoga course. I have been living with a family friend and I have been so lucky to have this free place to live. But, they have their own life and 2 children and if I were to stay longer I would need to branch out on my own. I would need to get my own place and a real job making good money (which is hard to find out here). It's also incredibly expensive to live in California. All my money has been going towards this yoga course so when it is over I will be, broke, broke broke flat broke. I won't have money saved. It doesn't seem like the best idea to stay out here much longer.

It makes me sad to think of leaving the people I have met. Think of leaving my best friend I made here and not having our fun nights out dancing by ourselves makes me sad (I love you maryann!!). I don't like knowing that things will end with the guy I met. But things work out. They always have and they always will. I have beautiful memories to carry with me in life. I have lessons learned. I have grown even more into the person I am trying to become. I will have a yoga certificate and be able to bring yoga to people back home. Which I believe yoga is very much needed in many places back home. I will get to be back with my family. My outlook on life has changed quite a bit and before I probably would have thought I was "failing" if I went back to NC. But now I feel there is no way I am failing with all the things I can do with my life. I can bring happiness and love to any place I live and that's all that matters to me. Family. Love. Friends. Happiness. That's all I need in life. Oh, and yoga, of course :)

Riding the Wave

It's been a while since my last post. I've had quite a bit going on and tons of stuff on my mind making it a bit difficult to gather my thoughts enough to sit down and write.

I began my 200 hr Yoga Teaching course on March 1 and so far it's be an absolutely amazing experience. It truly feels like exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now. I watch people (as well as myself at times) rush through life without taking time for themselves to slow down every once in a while. For me it doesn't seem like the best way to live your life. When we are constantly on the move to the next event that is going on then we never have time to actually enjoy the place we are in the current moment. We can't always be planning our next move. I know this is really hard for some people, including myself at times. Reading the books that have be assigned for the course has been so inspiring for me. I seem to read certain things at the perfect time, right when I need to be assured of something or just to adjust my train of thought about certain issues.

Many people don't realize yoga isn't just a class you go to every week to try to get in shape. Yoga is a lifestyle we choose to live. I had a friend ask me why I like yoga so much, "what's so great about it?". I thought for a moment before responding. To me yoga is about finding yourself. It's about realizing happiness is found on the inside. Yoga is about learning your body and how everything connects and works together. Yoga, to me, is about finding ways to remain content in life, no matter what comes your way. It's a way to choose to live a life of happiness and not allowing external things to affect you. It's about being the person you would want to have as your friend. Yoga is finding inner peace. Our bodies are our temples and we have to take care of them and nurture them and that is what yoga helps you do.

The past few weeks have been difficult for me because I have been trying to look too far ahead, trying to plan what I will be doing in the next few months. It has been ruining my contentment. It was making me anxious and sad. After reading more of my yoga books I realize I can't do this. I have to just "ride the wave" and let life guide me instead of me trying to guide life. Things will work out. They always do. I have to trust that no matter what, it has brought me to where I am today and I am happy with that :)

Yoga makes me happy. After every single practice I leave feeling amazing, lighter, happier. So, yes, yoga is going to be one of the main things I will talk about but it's only because it's such a beautiful thing that I want to share with everyone I love. <3 p="">

Keeping Happiness.

The past 3 or 4 years I have dedicated to trying to find peace within and live a happy life. Finding happiness in life isn't always easy and I believe it is something you have to work to achieve. I've found the need to be aware of the people I share my life with, the environment I live in and the the type of work I choose to do.

I read something the other day that said "You become like the 5 people you spend the most time with. Choose wisely."

It can make you think. Who do you spend the most time with? Are those people you want to be like? Do you have a way to spend less time with them if they aren't?

Anyways, the purpose of this blog is to say things don't always turn out how we may hope for them to. For me though, happiness has to be my main goal in life. I've worked so hard (and continue working every day) to become the person I want to be. I've taken some people out of my life and pulled some in closer. I've quit jobs I didn't feel were meant for me. I've moved from terrible living situations. I spent 4 months on the road trying to figure out who I am and I think I made a lot of progress.

So, the job I started last week with the Grassroots Campaign, working for Save the Children....it was awful. It was nothing like I expected it to be and at the end of my first day I felt drained and let down. I didn't want to tell me friends or family because everyone was so excited for me. I did talk to me friend here though. I told him how I felt about the job and how I wished it was what I expected. He said maybe it would get better. I agreed and went in for my second day. It was no better. The office felt kind of like a joke. People seem to do whatever they want and work whenever they want (which could be nice but when they can't allow me to work certain days because of this...it isn't good). The job was draining. I would be spending 5 hours everyday standing outside a store trying to get donations for Save the Children. People ignore you. People say no. People laugh in your face. Rarely do people actually stop to hear your "rap" or donate money. When people did donate I actually felt guilty taking their money. This job wasn't for me. When I called to tell them it wasn't working out/wasn't what I expected they said they understood and it takes getting used to.

Well, I don't want to get used to that. I don't want to dread going to work everyday just to make a paycheck. So, I'm not going to. It was a hard decision to make because I really do need to start having some money come in but I feel it was necessary. So now I start back at the drawing board. I spent all day yesterday going around collecting applications. Went today and had an interview at a smoothie place. Hopefully I will get that after my second interview this Thursday.

Another big thing I did this morning was go talk to a lady about becoming a yoga instructor. Yoga has been a part of my life for about 5 years now. Since coming to California I have been trying to do some yoga every night before going to bed. I share yoga with my friends and family. I have the children I'm around practice with me. It's something I truly enjoy. So I feel becoming an instructor would be a great opportunity for me. The only problem is the 200 hour course is pretty expensive. But, hopefully would be worth it.

So now I decide if I want to spend the money (if I can even find a way to pay the money) and become a yoga instructor (while also working a job here in San Clemente). Or if I just want to work and save all the money I am making to move on to something new. Decisions. Decisions. Any helpful thoughts?

namaste my friends :)

Cloud 9

For the past few years I have spent most of my time focusing on myself. Trying to discover who I am and what I want to do in my life. The goals I have. What will make me happy. It's not something that was easily achieved, hell, I am still learning about who I am daily. What I can say I have realized about myself is that I have one main goal in my life. 

To make a difference. 

Whether it is one persons life or thousands of people. I want people to look back and remember me being someone that made a positive impact in their life. Someone they won't forget. There are billions of people in the world and some days I just think, "How can little ol' me make a difference?". But I can. 

I've been in California for over 4 months now (wow) and over the past month and a half I started applying for jobs. Now, when I was back home trying to find work before I decided to come out here I had no problem getting a job. Let me just say I got a little slap in the face from California. I started applying to restaurants because I figured it would be the quickest/most way to start saving money again. I have 5 years experience in the restaurant business. I have worked other customer service jobs. I was a nanny for a year. I mean this isn't huge experience but I think it's pretty good to be trying to work in a restaurant. So I start applying, thinking, "this is going to be a piece of cake, I'll be working in no time". But, no, that's not how it went at all. Nothing was working out. I started thinking, fuck, I'm going to have to move back to NC and I will sink into a slow, dark, depression feeling like I am going no where in my life. (dramatic? maybe. but true)   

If I am going to be completely honest though......I wasn't REALLY trying. I had no passion to actually work at any of the places I applied. Sure, some sounded like a cool place I'd like to eat at sometime but in all actuality, I didn't want to be a waitress. I didn't make the effort I should have to get the job. Which was stupid. But after traveling and discovering myself more I made a promise to myself that I would never work a job I hated just to make money. I didn't even have a job and I hated the idea of the jobs I was applying for. 

So this Wednesday morning I woke up, did my workout routine, ate breakfast, then started scanning Craigslist for jobs in Orange County. I always start on Food/Bev/Hosp. then I go to all jobs. Well today I went to the non-profit section....just because. Well, I see a listing, "Work to End Child Poverty". My initial thought? Scam. But I click it anyways just to be sure. The listing leads me to the company website where I find...it's actually not a scam. Hmm. I go to apply. Yikes, all they ask for is your name, phone number, most recent school attended and a paragraph explaining why you want to work for them. Well shit. I want this job now but all I get to grab their attention is a sum of 300 words or less. I start to write. I type a few drafts. Edit. Re-edit. E-mail my mom. Re-edit. Show my friend. Re-edit. Show my friends mom. Re-edit. E-mail my sister. Re-edit. Okay. I think it's perfect. If they don't get that I want this job based on this paragraph....well...fuck. 

So Thursday morning at 9:30 before beginning my morning workout I submit the application. 

10:00 am. I am on the ground doing "heels to the heavens" and my phone starts ringing. It's them. We talk. He says he is happy that I seem so passionate. We set up an interview. 5pm. YES! 

5pm. Interview time. I am super early (of course). I sit in my car for a bit and then go in for the interview. We're waiting on one other person (who never shows) so I fill out some papers while we wait. He starts the interview, basically just telling me about the organization and about Save the Children (the non-profit they are working to raise money/awareness for). He asks me a hypothetical questions. Says I answered perfectly. I'm feeling good but don't want to get too excited. We go over pay/work hours/expectation etc. He hires me on the spot. All I want to do is jump around the room dancing and shouting but instead I smile really big and say "AWESOME!" :)

If you know me personally you know how much I want to work and change lives. You know that I love children (even though I may not want my own) and I want to help people as much as I possibly can. Knowing that I now will be working to inform people of such a great non-profit and raising money to help kids all around the world is such an amazing feeling to me. I'm on cloud 9 right now. 

Just to prove this....here is my "bucket list" I made in 2011 from my journal..... 

#3- Raise money for a charity

#10- Help the children

Guess I'll be crossing those two off now......

Finding Who I'm Not.

I've seen love shared with others.
Witnessed the outcast of some.
Felt the pain of another.
Shared happiness with many.
I've tried to fix the un-fixable .
Help those who don't want it.
I've failed numerous times.
Learned many lessons.
Forgot and learned again.
I've let hate win at times.
Let anger take over.
I've been ashamed.
Lied to escape the pain.
Been told I care too much. But,
Caring too much isn't possible.
Love knows no limits.
You don't overdose on love.
Love heals. Love cures.
I've grown and transformed.
Finding who I am but
Also who I'm not.
I've been on a never ending journey.
A lifelong dedication to myself.
I've been too scared to voice my feelings.
Yet brave enough to change my faults.
I've feared love.
And chased love.
Now I let love happen.
I've ached for too much.
So I gave some away.
I've feared being defeated
Then let it all go and jumped without worry.
I've never tried to be perfect, but,
I've always tried to be exceptional.

music. magic.

my mind feels still.
it's such an unexpected feeling to experience.
the music seeps into my pours and my body is silenced.
the room goes black as my eyes fall shut.
I slowly receive it all.
the pain. the sadness. the bliss. the passion.
it is all just an indescribable, magical, experience.
something so perfect to be shared with another.
as much as I may want to explain....words simply fall short.

Working on Me

The last few years I have been working on trying to become a better me.

I have been trying to push myself outside my comfort level and be less shy and try new things that may scare me. I have been trying to be more honest with my feelings instead of quietly being upset or being too afraid to tell someone how I truly feel. I have been trying to be more active with yoga and running. I have also been trying to not allow things from my past to affect my present because that never works out well for anyone.

I honestly think I have been doing really well and I have made quite a few changes. I mostly say this because the other night (the same night I hosted a couchsurfing event) I got to the restaurant/bar early and was talking to the guy that works there who I have met quite a few times. I was telling him I was a little bit nervous because I had never met any of the people...blah blah blah. And he says to me "You'll be fine, you're such a social person it should be easy." I was kind of shocked at first because I always think of myself as a quiet/shy person because it is who I have always been but then I was like YES! It made me excited that people who are just getting to know me would say that about me because it is something I have been working hard at trying to become.

I've also been doing yoga (almost) every day either when I wake up in the morning, before I go to sleep at night or both. It's been making me feel so much better/happier/free(er). Running around here is more difficult though because the hills are so intense but I am building myself up to be able to run without so much struggle.  Since the beach is so close I have a new goal to go down and walk on the beach at least a few times a week (if not every day) because the beach is the place I go to clear my head and become refreshed.

I have been doing my absolute best to be a more open person and I think I am doing well. I'm not perfect and I never will be but I know I am more open with telling people my feelings. Especially the people I have met since coming to California. I honestly haven't been mad very much since being out here so that isn't a huge issue with telling anyone why I am upset. I am trying to let people know how I feel about them, how much I may appreciate them, how lucky I feel to have them around. I try to send my family/friends letters to remind them of how much they mean to me. I also try to tell my new friends how lucky I feel to have met them. Something that has always been difficult for me though is telling a guy how I truly feel and opening myself up to possibly be hurt. Since coming to Cali I have met a guy that I really enjoy spending time with and that constantly makes me smile. I feel really happy to have met him and I try to remind him of that whenever I can. I think that's a really big step for me (it may seem small to other people). I know I like hearing how someone feels about me so I want to open myself up and let others know how they make me feel. It's always nice to know that you make someone happier.

You only live once. I've thought a lot about that lately and I figure there is no reason to not take chances. If you don't take a risk and do something that scares you (whether it's an activity, talking to a new person or just telling someone how you truly feel about them) then you will never know what could have happened. I have come to realize I would rather risk the chance of "failure" than to look back and wonder "what if". Be open and tell people how you truly feel about them. Try new things. Take a class to learn something you've always wanted to learn. Look up events near you and go to one by yourself and see how many new friends you can make. Take chances.

Everyone knows how much I love music so here is one of my favorite songs right now:

"we are just stories so here's mine to tell, give my heart freely hope you keep it well"

My Honest Poem, inspired by Rudy Francisco

I'm Michelle.
I came into this world during a rainstorm in 1988, it happened to be Halloween.
My mom calls me her pumpkin and my dad called me Michey.
I am as tall as a 5th grader and often get offers to be put in peoples pocket.
I have blue eyes and I am told they are my grandpas.
I spent my childhood riding bikes and catching lightning bugs.
I also spent many nights laying in bed listening to my parents fight.
Once my parents got divorced life seemed a little easier.
My mother is my everything and she is the strongest woman I know.
My sister is my rock and has always been my protector.
I have two nieces that came into the this world at pretty hard times in my life.
They have brought nothing but happiness to me every day since then.
I honestly don't know where I would be without my grandparents .
I am inspired daily by music and always have a random song in my head.
I walk around singing and wish to find a guy to sing me to sleep at night.
A boy with a beautiful smile and that can make me laugh is my weakness.
I got a tattoo of an owl when I was 23.
I feel a connection to those wise, protective, holder of secrets.
Some of my biggest passions are traveling and meeting people.
I struggle at times to meet new people because I have always been shy.
When I was younger I wanted to be a firefighter.
Now I want to travel and write a book that gets published.
I am desperate to find love but terrified to give myself to a person.
I have a fear of heights that I constantly push myself to overcome.
I spent a majority of my teen years fighting the image I saw in the mirror.
It's kind of like a sober alcoholic that will always be an alcoholic.
One sip and it's all down hill from there.
I truly believe love can fix the world,
despite how much love has hurt me in the past.
I've been betrayed by many men, including my own father.
When I am with someone I give that person my everything.
I'm scared nobody will ever do the same for me.
I have become quite an independent person over the years.
What I mean by that is I am okay being by myself
 and don't rely on others to be who I am.
I ache to help people who are sad or going through hard times.
I always want to prove to people that they are loved and cared about.
I realize nobody is perfect and I try to see the good in everyone I meet.
I will always be around if someone needs to talk
but I struggle to open myself up to others.
Tears don't come easy for me but if I miss someone
you will find two small rivers flowing down my cheeks.
I have an obsession with tacos, I could eat them everyday.
Surprising enough my sweet tooth hasn't filled my mouth with cavities.
I enjoy laying in the grass and letting the sun warm my skin.
I take way too many pictures of sunsets and the moon.
I would constantly take pictures of friends and family if they let me.
I think we live in such an amazing place but we constantly destroy it.
I have realized when bad things happen I try and pretend it isn't real.
The days of Santa and the Tooth fairy are days I constantly miss.
So, that's me, Michelle, Michey, Pumpkin, Meshell, Chelle, Mimi, M....
The girl who lives to show everyone they are loved
but is terrified that true love will never find her.

Where is the love?

I'm constantly overwhelmed with sadness by the terrible things that go on around me.

Innocence is stolen on a daily basis. Life is taken so carelessly. Hearts are broken. Pain is inflicted without reason. When did things get so out of control? I am aware of my continued talk about love and how all everyone wants is to love and be loved. That's because it is what I believe to be true.

I've sat at my computer crying for two days while I try to put my thoughts together. Trying to figure out how I can actually express my feelings about what's been going on in Connecticut. My chest feels heavy and I am at a loss of words. I honestly can't understand it. I can't imagine what could ever make someone do what has been done. How does someone get to a point in their life they can walk into an elementary school and take the most innocent lives there are to be taken? Children lucky enough to have survived this horrific event will now be living with this experience their entire life. Will they be able to cope with it? Will they constantly be scared for their life? Will they be able to trust others in their future? It can't be undone. I can't even begin to imagine what the families of the people who died that are going through. The teachers who gave their own life  to save the life of the students they care so much about. Forever heroes.

What I do know is that we need to love our children. We need to nurture them and teach them to be good people. We need to demonstrate how to love unconditionally. Neglect and abuse is all to common in this world. Our children are innocent until we come in and fuck it all up. Children are learning daily, watching us, what we do, how we react to things, how we solve problems, how we express ourselves. They are little sponges soaking up our every move. I know this is true from watching my nieces for a year and slowly seeing little parts of me in them. We have to try our absolute best to be sure they will always make the choice to do what's right and give love to the people they come across in life.

I honestly believe that so many issues around the world could be solved if we just loved without limits. If we treated everyone equally and tried to help every person live a happy life. Our own hatred has caused many problems and continues to do so every. single. day.

I can't understand what goes on in the world because I feel so much love and I know that I matter. I know what it is to love unconditionally and to be loved unconditionally. If everyone was given the chance to feel that....I just think the world could be a much better place for our generations to come.

I know some people will read this and call me naive.....(Michelle, it's not that easy, love can't just fix these things, it's bigger than that) but at least you took the time to read my thoughts....

A little release?

The other night I spent twenty minutes sitting in the bathroom with salty tears pouring down my face. I walked out 2 or 3 times thinking it was over and then I quickly realized even if I wanted it to be...it wasn't. 

My entire being felt overwhelmed. I couldn't tell you the exact reason I was crying. I just was. 

The release felt good. Afterwards I felt slightly refreshed. I don't even know the last time I cried such an uncontrollable cry. As hard as I tried to stop it (I don't like crying) I couldn't. This isn't something I am used to but I can tell you I have cried more since I left for California than I have in an entire year. 

I am incredibly close to my family. They are my world. When I know they are hurting, I hurt. When I know they are upset, I am upset. When I know they are unhappy, I am unhappy. 

So since my great grandma passed away a few weeks ago....I know my grandma has been hurting. It hurts me that I can't be there for her, or any of my family. My grandma spends her life giving to other people. Ensuring everyone's happiness around her. She took care of my great grandma, made sure everything was in order. Drove numerous hours monthly to do so, despite the fact that my great grandma had other family living right next to her. My grandma is a selfless person. She would give you the shirt off her back if she thought you needed that. I wish to be like her one day. She is such a strong woman. So, to know she was hurting, to know she lost her mom.....I was left not knowing how to react. I couldn't even call her the day I found out and I feel terrible about it. When we did talk, the next day, I was the one crying, not her. I don't know what I would do without my grandparents. I feel so incredibly lucky to have them in my life. They are two of the most important and influential people I have in my life. 

Also, my sweet Noelle, she's got me feeling so confused about what I am doing out here in CA. The other day me and Beth were trying to Skype but it wasn't working right so, I could see them but they couldn't see me. Noelle was upset but I told her not to be, I said we could still talk even if she couldn't see me. Noelle, my sweet Noelle, says, "I don't care about the video not working Auntie, I just want you to come back here". My heart sank. I felt so sad. Just a few days before when we talked on the phone she kept telling me I was going to "get a spanking if I didn't come back home, right now!". I feel so selfish at times. It's incredibly hard for me simply because I know Noelle and Alem don't fully understand why I am gone or when I am coming back. I know the rest of my family does. I know they all understand why I am here but my nieces don't and it makes me feel so bad at times. 

My 2 best friends are going through some hard shit in their lives right now. I wish I could be there for them both right now. I wish we weren't separated by thousands of miles. I wish I could hug them and show them I am here. All I can do though is tell them I am here and hope the call me when they need to. I check in with them often to be sure they are good but I wish I could do more. 

My dad. Our relationship just upsets me on a daily basis and they way things were left when I came to CA just makes things even harder for me. I don't even know how to feel about our situation but it is a bit too personal to really get into on my blog right now, so I'll save that for another time. 

I know tons of people have situations much worse than mine and I am an unbelievably lucky girl but sometimes I just get kind of overwhelmed. You know?

When I grow up....

Make this background music while you read :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCVrC7Dg2qo

You know when you're a kid and you dream about what your future will be like? You have ideas of what you want to be when you "grow up". For the longest time I wanted to be a firefighter. I remember I had this plastic dress up outfit I would wear all the time...it even had a big hat and "boots" that went over your shoes with it. When I got a little older I remember telling my mom I wanted to live with her until I was 30 and that I wanted to wait until then to get married. I'm pretty sure in my head if I ever got married I would just continue living with my mom, regardless of what the guy wanted. :)

Skip a few years forward and I wanted to be a teacher. I believe this one lasted a bit longer than some of the others that followed. I thought about cosmetology. Photographer. Culinary school (I wanted to be a baker). I got an associates degree with a pre-major in psychology. I think my passion for teaching was taken away when I realized how entitled children these days seem to be. How school doesn't so much seem to be about learning but about the teacher giving the child a passing grade. The parents just go to the teacher yelling if their child gets a bad grade....that they earned....

After receiving my associates degree I really ached to get out of my hometown. That's when I spent a month in Hawaii. Living with a lady I found on craigslist. Hawaii was life changing. It ignited the passion I have for traveling now. When I returned from Hawaii I moved to Raleigh for almost a year but near the end I was miserable with my living situation so.....I took my 4 month road trip  Another unbelievably life changing experience for me. I don't think I will ever stop aching to travel now. It's a part of me. When my road trip was over my sister had her second baby and I spent the following year nannying my two nieces. That year not only brought me closer to my beautiful nieces and my sister but it taught me so much about myself. It was difficult at times to care for a new born baby and a 4 year old (now 1 and 5 of course). I wouldn't take back one single day of it though. If you ask Noelle what she remembers about our year together I am sure she won't forget to mention Alem falling of the bed and Auntie FREAKING out. :)

Now. I sit in San Clemente with my family friend and her two children. I have no idea where I am going with my life. All I really know is that I want to see more of this world. I want to meet new people and experience different cultures. I want to help people. I want to impact every person I meet in a positive way. I want to learn new skills and teach others. I can't imagine going back to school anytime soon. SOJA has a line in one of their songs "maybe I should go back to school but anymore education just makes me feel like a fool" That line speaks volumes to me. I know many people don't understand that though. I will probably finding work here in California soon. Start saving my money back up and begin to brainstorm my next adventure.

Right now though, at this very moment, I am completely content with the unknown. I don't want my life planned out step by step. I don't want to have to live up to certain ideas of how I should be doing things. I want my life to twist and turn in unexpected ways. I want random trips and random friendships. I want to find happiness in the most unexpected places. I want to be free. Every. Single. Day. So right now, my 24 year old self says "When I grow up I want to be free and happy with everything I do in my life."

I'm on Top of the World. :)

Settling.

I spend quite a bit of my time thinking about how easily people settle. Whether it is in a relationship, job, friendship, location....etc. It's something that I have realized is all too easy to let happen. Everyone seems to get comfortable and are fearful of change once they're in a "safe place".

I have many people in my life that I see settle in things I don't believe they should. Being with a person they aren't truly happy with.....because the fear of being alone. Continuing to work a job they hate...because the fear of failure or not being able to do anything else. Keeping friends that treat them terribly....because they don't want to be seen as "unpopular". Staying in the place they grew up because they might fail if they move somewhere else.

All of this worries me. I have never been someone that gets in with a group of people just so I can say I have a certain amount of friends. Now in my life I have a handful of true friends and they are the ones I keep around. I do my best to keep up with them even when I'm thousands of miles away and I know they do the same for me. It's never easy to do but I know that no matter what, they've got my back. I can't say that about many people but I know for a fact that I can say it about my "true friends".  I feel lucky to have them in my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world :)

I will never work a job I hate. I don't see the point in living life in such a miserable way. Many people have jobs that define their life. They wake up and go to work 5 days a week, spending 8-12 hours a day in the same place. Shouldn't you be doing something that makes you wake up and excited to be doing? A huge amount of your life is wasted if you're working in a job you hate. It makes me sad. Many people keep these jobs because of the money they make. In the end that money isn't going to make you happy though.....why not work a job that keeps your life positive and maybe make less money than the job you hate? I think that's a better way to live life....but hey, that's just me.

Now, relationships. I think this one bothers me the most. It tears me up to see someone settling for someone that they aren't really connected to, they aren't truly happy with. When I see people together because they fear the change of being alone, it upsets me so much. I mean I have been in bad relationships and I have stayed with guys way past when I should have. I look back and see it was because I always hope to make things work. I'm not sure I did it because I didn't want to be alone but maybe because I wanted us to work, didn't want to give up. I truly believe I will never be in a relationship like that again. I can't imagine letting a guy do what some others have done to me and staying with them. I've grown a lot the past few years. I've been single a lot and it's all by choice. I think the last guy I was "dating" really opened my eyes to how I have been in relationships and how I need to be. This was only about 6 months ago but my outlook has been transformed since him. So for that, I thank him. Since leaving NC and traveling out west I've met a handful of guys and I see that there is absolutely no reason to settle for someone you aren't happy to be with. I see so many different personalities, different ways guys act around girls (or girls around guys) and what we do to try and win someone over we are attracted to. There are people out there who know how to do it "right". Being alone is terribly hard for some people and I understand that but there are billions of people in this world....BILLIONS!!! :) We are all constantly learning and growing and transforming....don't forget that. We just have to find the person who is willing to learn/grow/transform with us and not settle for the one who is never going to change.....

anyways. just wanted to get some of that off my chest because I think about it so much. Who knows what anyone else thinks haha.