Lately some days have just been unbearable. All I want to do is lay in my bed. Losing my Grandpa, and being the one to find him has truly taken a toll on my body and mind. He was the sweetest man I knew. He gave anything he could to anyone who would take it. He was constantly working fundraisers to give to people who needed it. He was a joker, a funny guy who would always put a smile on my face the minute I saw him. He made my heart happy. My grandpa was a quiet man who took a lot in and had so much knowledge of all sorts of things. I remember sitting my his truck one day playing with this toy that taught kids about the presidents. He knew every single one of the answers and I don't think I knew even one. I believe I learned to listen from him, to take things in and speak with words that had meaning and value. I definitely think I got his sense of humor, his sarcasm and joking ways. My grandpa was there for me when my father wasn't. He was the dad I needed at times and didn't have. I asked him a few years ago , if I ever got married, would he walk me down the aisle. It took him a minute, he wanted me to b sure it was what I wanted but then he agreed. It makes me so sad he will never get to see me get married. That my children will never get the chance to meet the most amazing man in my life. His memory will live on and I will have so many funny stories to share but really I just want him back here with me. I want to hear his funny laugh when he was trying not to laugh. His laugh when someone (or he) tells an inappropriate joke. I want my dog and him to be back so he can come tell me how Freedom is in the backyard cussing cause I won't go get her a cheeseburger. I want to have another yardsale with him. Spending the entire morning trying to sell junk for way more than it is worth and getting lots of good laughs at peoples reactions to his prices. I want one more of the best hugs in the entire world. I have never met a person who could give a better hug than my grandpa. He was a tough Sgt Major in the Marine corps but really he was a big sweet teddy bear that everybody loved and admired.
I get so mad some days. I get so sad. Some days I can't even stand to think about him or the memories because it just hurts too much. Thinking about his laugh and smile. His beautiful blue eyes. His big arms that could make any day better. The way he joked like a little kid. He cared so much and loved so much. He just wanted to see his family happy. I learned a lot from him. I will continue learning from him. No matter how hard my day is I have to remember the good. Remember how fortunate I am. How much love there is throughout my family. I have to remember that we are all in this together. We all share the same love and we have to give it and receive it openly.
I mostly wrote this for myself. I cried the entire time but I needed it. It's hard for me to open up and talk about what happened. But writing this, remembering him, it helped. I miss my Grandpa more than words could ever express.
