"I wanna walk, in righteousness, but I keep tripping over ditches of my selfishness...."
Lately life has seemed a little "off" to me. No matter how good things are going for me I feel that I have forgotten to be thankful for it all. I have taken so many people for granted. I have not always treated people in my life as well as they deserve to be treated.
I can be spiteful. I can be selfish. I can be rude and sarcastic. I don't always think before I speak. Sometimes my words hurt more than they help. At times I am so guarded I forget how to let others in (without burdening them with my past). As much as I try to be this "good person" I fail miserably at times. I challenge people. I test the limits. I can be unappreciative. I forget how to love.
I notice this in my relationship with those closest to me. My mom. My sister. My boyfriend. I tend to be short tempered. Easily annoyed. Thoughtless with my words. I am sarcastic but I shouldn't make those I love feel "stupid" or inadequate.
My heart is big and my love is bigger. I am a giver, a nurturer. When you come into my life, I want to make sure you are happy. I try to be open and carefree. I am a listener. I sit quietly and take it all in. At times this isn't good, sometimes I need to talk and let it all out. I have to move deeper into my positive aspects and let go of the negative.
I write all this because my body has been talking to me lately. I have been tripping over my words (stuttering, not being able to get the right word out, especially when teaching). My right eye has been twitching constantly for the past week. I have been restless beyond belief. All of these things seem to be caused by stress (or lack of sleep). How ironic that the yoga teacher, who works everyday to relax others and make their life a little happier, is stressed out and unhappy.
I have forgotten to take time for myself. To practice what I teach. To talk about my problems and all the things going on in my life. This past year has brought so many changes in my life. I tend to bottle it all up, instead of let it all go. Yes, some of the things are wonderful things to happen but they are still huge life changes and with that can come stress.
I went through a 3 month training to teach yoga. I moved from CA back to NC. I started working new jobs teaching yoga. I moved back in with my mom. I started a new "serious" relationship for the first time in I don't know.....5 years? My boyfriend is in the military and lives 2.5 hours away from me. I sat with my mom in the hospital for days while she had a major 7 hour surgery. My dog was killed after being hit by a car. One month later my grandpa passed away unexpectedly in my backyard when I was the only one here with him. I've struggled constantly on having a relationship with my father.
I need to get on the right track. To deal with all the stress that has been going on in my life. To show love and compassion towards those closest to me. To use my words to help and inspire. I need to work daily at becoming who I truly want to be. I want to connect with the land. To meditate daily (outside if possible). I want to get back to my own daily yoga practice. I want to appreciate everything I have in my life. Love all of the beautiful people that I am so fortunate to have in my life.
I want to respect, honor, and inspire my family and my boyfriend. They all deserve the world for what they do for me and I want to show them how much they mean to me. It is the absolute least I can do. Life is too freaking short to do anything else than love with all I've got.
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