The more I learn, the less I understand

I've come to learn that money really is the root of all evil. I've learned the more people have, the more worries, more stress, more wanting it also brings. I believe people with less are happier, in a purer sense. I watched a documentary called "This Way of Life". It humbled me.

The family captured in this movie is amazing. They don't have a lot but what they have is plenty for them. If you have time, watch it. I would love to live a life as simple as them. I feel all that I (and my family) have only brings burdens and stress to keep up. The entire movie made me want to make changes but one thing really stuck out to me. The families house was burned down and, while they struggled to find a new home, when they finally found a new place, it was bigger with more rooms and space. Most families want this but the mom in this movie was sad because with all the new space, the children wanted more space, to be alone and not with each other as much. She loved how close they were before, it was never an issue until there was another option. It's like the more you have, the more you want. It's so sad.

We don't need all this "stuff". We're such a greedy greedy society. I wish I could change it. I hope to at least change myself.

Tell you what we're gonna do, you will shelter me, my love, and I will shelter you

The past week or so my mind has been a mess of confusion. Not only about what I am going to do with my life when I am done nannying. If I am failing because I'm not continuing my education right now. If I'll be able to live the life I want instead of conforming to what society expects of me. But about a certain someone who has been in my life for over 8 months now and suddenly, they're not anymore. It seems crazy at times when I think about it. How is this how things are meant to be? I go back and forth on a daily basis and I feel I am driving myself insane. Do I care too much? Do I bring drama into my life?

So I have these thoughts, these "problems", in my life and then I watch a documentary like "Which Way Home" and I feel unbelievably ridiculous. How can I truly worry over things like this? My problems are so minuscule compared to the shit people in other places are going through daily. Struggling to survive, dreaming of a life in this far away, fairy tale land, that turns out to be nothing as expected. My focus seems to be off. I don't want to live my life worrying over such trivial things. I want to just live and be happy, helping others be happy. Watching that documentary and hearing the 17 year old boy traveling to America say he wants to go there to start over and just wants to find a family that will love him because he never had that in his life; it broke my heart. We don't realize how things are in other countries. How people think of America as this dreamland. America disappoints me in so many ways daily; but that's another story. Hearing in that movie how so many people die every days, kids, 6 years old, babies, trying to reach the border into America (how can this be?!). My mind is overwhelmed in wanting to find a way to fix this. Why can't we all just be equal and live in a world where all land is for everyone and it's just one big world united by love. Instead of war, inequality, money being power, hatred. My heart hurts. I hate this.

Then the next documentary I watch called "America the Beautiful", disgust me even more. What are we doing as a country? Why are we so corrupted, fake, backwards? A 12 year old model is a huge part of this movie, modeling things that are meant for much older women. Attending parties with topless girls and alcohol surrounding her. "Regular" middle school children talking about how they are ugly and they've never thought they were attractive because what the media portrays to them. What. Are. We. Doing?!?! We are too focused on all the wrong things here. I can't stand this.

Hmm.

How do you know when you're doing what's best?

Is there a way to tell if you're making the right decisions?

How can you know what to do when your mind is such a mess of confusion?

Hmm.

be so happy that when others see you, they become happy too

It's funny how things go. One day you feel your life is going a certain way, you have ideas and plans that seem pretty set, then, it's all completely changed. Everything changes. People change. Feelings change. Ideas change. Plans change. The past 8 months I've been nannying for my sister. Constantly wondering where I am going next. Most of those months were spent planning on my next venture being with another person. Traveling together. Now, in a matter of days, all of that seems to have changed.  I've got this amazing plan now though. Something I had forgotten all about but now it just seems too good to be true. I've thought so much the past year about living on a commune, living off the land, learning to farm. But I've also wanted to go back to Hawaii, my month spent there in 2010 wasn't near enough. Hawaii is expensive though, ridiculously. So now, I have this plan. I want to join the organization, wwoof.org and find a farm in Hawaii that will host me. The organization is basically work trade. You find a farm to host you, work on the farm and in turn they feed you and provide you with a place to stay. I think this is meant to be. This is what I want to happen when I am done nannying. Maybe waitress or bartend for a few months here to save more money since I'm not sure I'll have enough by August. But I'm excited for this. YES!!!!

I can't understand the way things are. How things became so complicated. How we remain so unequal as a human race. Why we live so lavishly. Why people require so much to be happy. Why we can't all just love and be loved. Share and appreciate. Why money is all the seems to matter. Why one religion seems to trump all others. Why people care if their neighbor is living a life they approve of. How people are so close minded. Why so many people are hungry. Why so many people are homeless. Why one man can have billions while another has none. How do we live this way? How are we all still getting by. How is the earth still around for us. We don't treat her with respect, we don't care for the place we live. All that happens is nature being torn down for another high rise, for more people to compete and work at a job they hate to make money to try and prove they've "made it". Have any of these people really made it? I think those with less have made it. Appreciate more. See the world more clearly. Love the land the provides them with what they need to survive. We're not thinking clearly. Something needs to happen. Changes need to be made. This isn't going to work for much longer.

This song is exactly how I feel right now. *sigh*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4IshazvspKI