Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting

So, I just spent the evening reading blogs on the travels of other people. My time can be so easily consumed doing this. I get so wrapped up in what I am reading and the pictures I see that I begin to feel like I am part of it. Then, I snap back to reality and begin googling: ways to make money on the road, cheap flights, tips for walking across America, job openings in Hawaii, the best/cheapest order to visit a number of countries, air mattresses for your backseat, easy ways to learn Spanish....and the list goes on.

With that you can see how much my mind wanders, how many ideas I have, so many things I would like to do. Where to start. How to start. What's best. As I have said before, almost every person I talk to about wanting to travel tells me, "You're smart, do it now before you no longer have the chance." I got a tattoo the other day and I was talking to the guy tattooing me, Val, about what I'm doing and what I've done. He said the same thing to me. What an awesome guy he is and as I stood talking to him I realized I am truly doing something awesome and I have so much ahead of me to look forward to. I am lucky with my family and friends supporting me, no career to be tied to (which some may think this is a bad thing), no children (which, to be honest, over the last few years I'm not sure if I ever want to make that commitment, it's a huge one) and no significant other (at times I do get lonely but in the long run I realize, right now, at this very point in my life, I don't want a relationship. I can't fully commit myself to another person when there is so much of this world I want to see and another person can so easily interrupt that.) And on a little side note: by the time I left the tattoo shop that day Val was calling me his little hobo haha.

Next week is my last week nannying. I am applying to a few jobs. Hoping to get something soon so I can build my savings a bit more before my next adventure. Cross your fingers. I know I am going to miss seeing my little nieces and sister so much. It's gonna be a change but change is always good, right? <3 p="p">

It gets me by...

Many people say music is their life and when I say it, I mean it. Music gets me by. It makes me feel whole. No matter what situation I am in, how I am feeling, what I am doing...I can find music to correspond. I don't just listen to music, I feel it, with all that I have. It literally leaves me speechless, with such an indescribable feeling when I hear good music. I've cried many times just by being so moved by the music I am hearing. Sometimes I just play music, close my eyes, and feel it. It probably sounds silly to some people but I get so overwhelmed with the feeling, I just need to close my eyes and enjoy it. Many time I get in my car and drive just to listen to my favorite CD (yes I still play CDs) I love going on youtube for hours and listening to people do covers. Listening to live shows of my favorite bands. Going to live shows. The 3 most recent shows I went to were definitely the most memorable based on the happiness it brought me.

Right now I am listening to a lot of Trevor Hall, Andrew Belle and Angus and Julia Stone (and always SOJA).

I. Don't. Understand.

All these shootings. All the hate. All the thinking of being better than the rest.

How did things end up this way? Is this how the world is supposed to be? All the hate scares me. Not only with the recent (and past) shootings but with the politics and the issue of accepting people for who they are (not who you want them to be). Religion is starting to worry me, where it is taking our country, our world. I feel like it has just turned into something to allow people to try and control one another and make everyone feel bad about themselves.

I believe we all have basic principles we should live by. (Do unto others....love thy neighbor....) I don't see where people that are very religious believe it is okay to openly hate certain people....Maybe if we lived our own lives more and focused less on getting others to think exactly like we did things could get better.

Maybe if not only our minds but our hearts opened a little more the world would be happier. Instead of judging someone because who they love. Instead of judging someone because they look different than you. Dress different than you. Believe different things than you. Maybe if we took time to talk to that person sitting by themselves, instead of thinking they're "weird". Embracing each other for our differences. Taking time to learn. Maybe if everyone gave more hugs (everyone knows a good hug can make any day better). Maybe if we all walk around smiling and saying hello to the people we pass, instead of being wrapped up in our electronics.

This post took me a long time to write. I started and restarted it many times. Planning to elaborate more on why I believe gay marriage is okay (we're all just people wanting to love and be loved). I couldn't quite get the words out right though. I just settled for this, shorter, simpler version. Love is truly all we need so let's try to love without limits. yeah?

Reality

So in 3 weeks I will be done nannying. It hasn't TRULY hit me yet but it is definitely starting to. Thinking about it makes me want to cry. All of my friends/family know I want to travel, they know it's what I've been waiting for but it's also hard to know my time with my nieces is coming to an end. When you spend 5 days a week with 2 precious little girls, for a year, it's a little overwhelming to think of that changing.

I'm going to miss seeing them everyday. I think I've been a little spoiled, just like them :) Thinking of my big girl Noelle going to Kindergarten makes me cry (I'm crying now). It seems like just yesterday I was leaving work at Captain Ratty's and rushing to the hospital to see her be brought into the world. That little girl has brought me so much happiness over the past 5 years. I can remember some really sad days I've had and having Noelle (and now Alem too) around would make anything better. Their innocence, a simply smile to make Auntie happy. Now I shared a year with her and Alem and I feel unbelievably lucky. Not only getting to watch Alem learn so many first, (smiling, laughing, talking, rolling over, crawling, walking, clapping, high fives, finding someones nose, playing "where's Alem", one day she will say Auntie ;), ) but I also got to watch them grow as sisters. They share so much love with each other. It's such a pure love, Alem is such a lucky little girl to have Noelle as her "big sis". They are both such beautiful, smart, loving little girls, I feel like such a lucky Auntie.

I know everyone thinks I am just ready to be done nannying so I can move on to something else, but many days I wish it was lasting longer. I know when Noelle starts school she is going to be so happy, making new friends, learning everyday (well she knows mostly everything already hehe) and getting to experience new things. Alem is going to make new friends at daycare. They won't have to be stuck with just Auntie all the time ;) I'm gonna miss them though.

In the winter I remember bundling little baby Alem up just so me and Noelle could get outside for fresh air. The spring comes and you better believe the first day the pool opened, we were there. In the freezing cold water ;) Then summer comes and we are miserable outside even just for a few minutes outside.

A quick walk around the apartments. Do some chalk. Walk to the dog park. Hula hoop in the park. Walk to the park, look for turtles. Going on walks and collecting flowers or looking for 4 leaf clovers. Buying Noelle her "adventures" buckets. Driving aimlessly around Greenville trying to find new parks to play at. Making art. Playing restaurant. Building tents to watch movies and eat lunch in. Going to get ice cream. Turning music on and just dancing wildly around the apartment. Making "fairy dust" with Noelle. Reading stories. Going to the library. Going to the pool all the time. Picnics!

I have so many wonderful memories with my nieces. I am lucky. I am happy. I am sad. Not only will my 5 days a week with my nieces be gone but I also won't see my sister every day. No more working out together or changing our minds and just making dinner and eating ice cream. Or getting stuck watching all the reality shows I never wanted to watch, and secretly enjoying it (hehe) Taking the girls on long walks after work. I didn't just watch the girls grow. I watched a family grow. I can't stress to you how very very lucky I feel. I have the most amazing family. It's been such a great time. So many ups and downs but so many wonderful memories to last a lifetime.

I promise I didn't cry the whole time writing this. (I tried at least)

Society, you're a crazy breed.

“Ordinary men hate solitude. But the Master makes use of it, embracing his aloneness, realizing he is one with the whole universe.” – Lao Tzu

Being alone seems to have become such a taboo. I've noticed so many people around me want to be in a relationship or have friends simply to have company. Way too many people I know are in unhappy relationships because they are comfortable and scared to be alone again. Nervous of the unknown. To live a life that way doesn't seem like living at all to me. We (as a society) have made simple things, such as going to dinner or seeing a movie by yourself, something "uncool". I've heard my friends wonder, "Why are they eating alone?", "They look sad, I wonder where their friends are". Personally, I enjoy my alone time. I  need it. I don't mind going out on my own and doing things. I don't always need someone surrounding me. I'm sure, if you're close to me, you know I am one who enjoys solitude. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I am always with the person, always having to check in and tell someone what I'm doing. Meh. We have to be at peace with being by ourselves. I truly believe the quote,

"I think it's very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person." -Oscar Wilde

We forget who we are if we can't be alone. We slowly become defined by the people we are constantly surrounded by. How can you know who YOU are if you're too scared to spend time alone with yourself?

:)

One day....

I've got this vision in my head.
I'm walking down the road, open fields surround me.
My backpack I carry holds what little I own.
My skin is tan from days of walking.
I have a pad of paper I use to write letters to my family,
and all the people I've met along my way.
I volunteer at farms in different states.
I do yoga on cliffs and beaches.
I regularly aquire new skills as well as ways of thinking.
I stop daily to take in a sunset/rise and admire the moon.
The rain that would seem a burden to some, brings me comfort.
My mind is completely free.
I am at peace.
One with myself and the earth that holds me.


One day......