My entire being felt overwhelmed. I couldn't tell you the exact reason I was crying. I just was.
The release felt good. Afterwards I felt slightly refreshed. I don't even know the last time I cried such an uncontrollable cry. As hard as I tried to stop it (I don't like crying) I couldn't. This isn't something I am used to but I can tell you I have cried more since I left for California than I have in an entire year.
I am incredibly close to my family. They are my world. When I know they are hurting, I hurt. When I know they are upset, I am upset. When I know they are unhappy, I am unhappy.
So since my great grandma passed away a few weeks ago....I know my grandma has been hurting. It hurts me that I can't be there for her, or any of my family. My grandma spends her life giving to other people. Ensuring everyone's happiness around her. She took care of my great grandma, made sure everything was in order. Drove numerous hours monthly to do so, despite the fact that my great grandma had other family living right next to her. My grandma is a selfless person. She would give you the shirt off her back if she thought you needed that. I wish to be like her one day. She is such a strong woman. So, to know she was hurting, to know she lost her mom.....I was left not knowing how to react. I couldn't even call her the day I found out and I feel terrible about it. When we did talk, the next day, I was the one crying, not her. I don't know what I would do without my grandparents. I feel so incredibly lucky to have them in my life. They are two of the most important and influential people I have in my life.
Also, my sweet Noelle, she's got me feeling so confused about what I am doing out here in CA. The other day me and Beth were trying to Skype but it wasn't working right so, I could see them but they couldn't see me. Noelle was upset but I told her not to be, I said we could still talk even if she couldn't see me. Noelle, my sweet Noelle, says, "I don't care about the video not working Auntie, I just want you to come back here". My heart sank. I felt so sad. Just a few days before when we talked on the phone she kept telling me I was going to "get a spanking if I didn't come back home, right now!". I feel so selfish at times. It's incredibly hard for me simply because I know Noelle and Alem don't fully understand why I am gone or when I am coming back. I know the rest of my family does. I know they all understand why I am here but my nieces don't and it makes me feel so bad at times.
My 2 best friends are going through some hard shit in their lives right now. I wish I could be there for them both right now. I wish we weren't separated by thousands of miles. I wish I could hug them and show them I am here. All I can do though is tell them I am here and hope the call me when they need to. I check in with them often to be sure they are good but I wish I could do more.
My dad. Our relationship just upsets me on a daily basis and they way things were left when I came to CA just makes things even harder for me. I don't even know how to feel about our situation but it is a bit too personal to really get into on my blog right now, so I'll save that for another time.
I know tons of people have situations much worse than mine and I am an unbelievably lucky girl but sometimes I just get kind of overwhelmed. You know?
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