Release, Relief, Relive.

My mind takes over. My body just follows. I have a thought and it becomes an action. Lightning. I'm there. It hurts. emotion overwhelms my body. I feel sick. Breathing becomes difficult. I break. Deep. Breathe pause breathe. Composure. Release my emotion that can't be held back. Pain joy and fear. Release, Relief, Relive. 

In your house, I long to be..

Take hold of me and go,
leave this place behind,
the pain, judgement and conformity.
bring a fresh start, new release.
I want your imperfections,
your flaws and beauty.
Become part of me.
Open your arms,
take me in.
We'll go away for good.
Find the passion and bliss,
learn every line.
Just take hold of me and go.
I'm nervous and scared,
ready and willing to learn.
Don't be like the others.
Be unique, your own person.
I'm ready to become,
just take hold of me and go.

my momma went off and left him, she wanted more from life than he could give.

Leave.
you're free.
but guilt will build.
Regret is felt.
no going back
mistakes are made.
forgive and forget
but its past due for that.
live up to your error
take charge. open your heart.
speak your mind.
who you are is known,
who you will be is perceived.
nothing more is needed
but you. only you.
be there. be around.
time is moving quickly.
tomorrow is not known.

Sometimes I feel like my peers are so much younger than me. I find so many people my age have no goals or aspirations. No dreams they want to fufill. How do they focus their lives around a drug that will take them no where, give them nothing? I just can't comprehend it. Maybe I'm a prude because I don't want to party, smoke and drink all the time. But hey, I am going to make my dreams a reality and do more with my life. Yes, I work all the time and I enjoy resting when I get home. No, I should never feel bad about that but the way people around me live makes me question how I am. I wish it didn't. I don't live they way they do but I do wonder if it makes me a stuck up bitch sometimes because when everyone else is being loud and partying, I am asking for some quiet to sleep. Blah. Anywho, what a crazy time of year. Work is so busy, both jobs. Customers are become more and more irritable and rude. Acting like an ass usually doesn't get you very far but I guess not everyone knows that yet. Besides the customers I still love both my jobs. I knew something would come around eventually. I can't believe it is 11 days until Christmas. Time has flown by. I am excited about a Drum&Dance camp I registered for that takes place in May. I am on a wait list but hopefully people cancel and I get to go. It will be a week of learning to play the djembe wish I am insanely excited about. I am ready to learn the djembe. The class I took in Asheville was such a tease it left me wanting more. Hopefully I can buy myself one soon so I can mess around until I learn for reals. This was such a random post. Haha here is a video I leave you with :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cINms_jWiU

I seem to enjoy covers of songs better than the original.

I say we're superstars, you say you think we are the best thing.

I am going to sell my pictures.
I will share my work with people
who will appreciate and share it
with others. I am going to begin
to take pictures on a regular basis.
I am going to work and save money.
I will live more frugally. I am going to
eat out less and cook more. I will
reach my goal to travel and live with
other people to experience their
lifestyle on an emotional level.  I
will make everything I dream and
wish come true. I will do this.

One day

This song is amazing just with Matisyahu singing it but when the children join I feel it gives it a little more meaning, a little more love. "we dont want to fight no more, there'll be no more war, and the children can play"

make me feel it's for real....tell me what you know

Everyone says "everything happens for a reason" and I believe this, I really do. I know sometimes the reason isn't apparent at the moment it happens but looking back on things I know there is a reason for everything. I think ;) I am having a hard time right now finding a job. I have applied to numerous places and have yet to have anything promising. I rethink that I quit the Melting Pot sometimes but then I just think of how unhappy I would be and how it was NOT what I wanted. Money is such a freaking issue and it frustrates me. My family has been helping me enormously and to them, I am forever grateful. I know everything is going to fall into place soon but the wait is keeping me on my toes quite a bit. I am so lucky to have a family that supports me and all my crazy, spur of the moment, mindless decisions. I know if I wanted to pick up now and travel the US they would support me, with unlimited amounts of worry, but if it's what I wanted I know they would support me. Not a whole lot of people can say that and I truly know how lucky I am and how special my family is. I can't believe I have only been in Raleigh for....4months?.....and I already want to go see somewhere new and different. I really think I am meant to travel. I wish I could just pack up some clothes, my journal, soap, and my books and get in my car and drive. I wouldn't mind sleeping in my car...although I'm sure lots of people have some words to preach on that. hehe. I wonder if there is some kind of traveling job I could take with me....hmmmmmm.....

what's a pocket full of gold, without a woman that you can hold

deep. dark. pain. glory.
amazing,
traumatizing.
unexplainable. emotional.
rock bottom.
ecstasy.
overwhelming. condescending.
irresistible. infatuation.

slow down, you're moving too fast

Life is truly moving way too fast. I want to slow it down and soak it all up. Everyday that passes I can't help but wonder what I am doing with life. It is hard to realize how quickly time is passing and how I seem to not really be doing much of anything. I feel that yesterday was August 1st and now, it is the 11th. How did that happen? What have I done in 10 days? I want to make memories everyday that I won't forget. It is just so frustrating to me. I can't figure out how to slow things down. I don't remember time moving to fast when I was younger.

this is what I'm listening to. you have to watch him sing this song. he puts so much emotion into it. it's phenomenal and makes me want to cry. even if you don't watch the whole thing at least watch from 1:45 to 2:15. :)

say his body's to old for working, i say his body's too young to look like his.

this song is one of my favorites. it hurts my heart with emotion. it is beautiful and real. *sigh*

everyone has to make a huge decision at some point in their life. a decision that will change every single thing about their life. for some people it is to pack up everything and move to a new place to start fresh. or to finally choose to leave the person that has been abusing them for years. or to finally choose to leave the alcoholic who has no control over their own life anymore. or to realize you can't live doing to drugs you do anymore, so you quit. or it is a decision to try a drug and then become addicted. or it is a decision to bring a child into this world, planned or not. or the decision to not a bring a child into this world. it could be the decision to go to school and continue your education. or to live off the creativeness you possess, painting, sewing, singing anything.

think if you had chosen a different path for just one single thing in your life. how greatly would things change? or would they change at all? how many people would be affected by your decision? I think it is important to live and be free and while doing it make sure you are happy and content with things. Don't live any way that makes you miserable. If you choose to do something for your own peace of mind don't let others cause you to think different. Live for you and your happiness and everyone around you should be the same.

One of my favorite things....

Standing in a concert screaming a song that you know every word to and feeling the music move you to the core. A feeling so insane and intense you can't truly put to words what you feel inside. It is that feeling of euphoria when nothing else in the world matters or can bring you down. The only thing that could possibly make the experience better is when the band stops singing and the crowd is all singing in unison and you feel like a part of something. Like every single person at the show is linked now because of the song that is moving each and every soul there. This is something that I would do anything to experience on a regular basis. I can not even put to words how some music makes me feel. I can get in my car and put my favorite CD in and ride around just listening and singing with the windows down because how it moves me is like nothing else. It is just pure, complete intoxication. Just thinking about this makes me happy.

Work

So last week I went through complete training at the Melting Pot. I learned the menu, how to make the cheeses and chocolates, learned about presenting and everything. I was scheduled to start following other servers but decided instead to quit. I know many people will hear this said and think, wow, she is not being smart but I feel differently about it. When I started training I first trained as a hostess and I met some of the people working there. As I met the people some were nice and some were just plain rude to me. I could not understand how someone could act that way when they are meeting someone else for the first time, ever. I did not even know someones name and they made a rude comment to me. So I went through the waitress training and when it came time to follow I was dreading going in to work. Of course, I called my mom to get advice because I didn't want to do something and then regret it. I told her I didn't want to waste a part of my life doing something I couldn't stand doing. Why should we have to waste ANY part of our lives being miserable? It just seems silly. You live once, why not take a risk and make it an enjoyable time. I mean I know a majority of people are working to make money and are miserable doing what they do. But why? I think people are scared to not have all the money they are used to having. I know it is terrifying to be living in a place having to pay rent, water, electric etc. and not have a job. I also know its terrifying to realize that it is August of 2010 and I have no idea what I have done for the six months I have been home from Hawaii. I am young and want to enjoy life and do what makes me happy...not what makes me money. I want to take pictures and start painting more. I want to sew more clothes that I can share with other people. I want to be thrifty and creative. So that's what I am going to try my best to do. My goal is to be happy and I will do whatever it takes to make it constant. <3

First Blog

Well I decided to get a blog because I thought it would be cool to start writing and getting feedback from people. I would like to start writing stories at some point but I think to start I just want to write about things that are on my mind, the good the bad and the ugly. :) Right now all I can think about is traveling. I want to go anywhere and everywhere. I want to learn to speak Spanish. Fluently. Visiting Spain is a huge goal I have for myself. There are so many interesting and beautiful places in this world that I would love to visit. Experiencing different cultures is something that intrigues me to no end. I think so many of the people I have grown up with, or just surrounding me, fit into little boxes and enjoy it. I don't want to be in a box. I want to be different. I want to learn and grow and to be many different things, but being like everyone else is not something I aim to be. It is hard to be different though. Many of the people that are "the same" are judgemental and close minded to uniqueness. I believe people get too comfortable living one way that they forget to try new things and be open to new possibilities. Thinking about being able to travel to a different country makes me feel so unbelievably happy. I want to be around children that have nothing but live incredibly happy lives because all they need is love. Love is all we need. Unconditional love that knows no boundaries. The possibilities are endless and we all need to remember that.

this is one of my favorite pictures. it's pure and honest. it's love.