My Honest Poem, inspired by Rudy Francisco

I'm Michelle.
I came into this world during a rainstorm in 1988, it happened to be Halloween.
My mom calls me her pumpkin and my dad called me Michey.
I am as tall as a 5th grader and often get offers to be put in peoples pocket.
I have blue eyes and I am told they are my grandpas.
I spent my childhood riding bikes and catching lightning bugs.
I also spent many nights laying in bed listening to my parents fight.
Once my parents got divorced life seemed a little easier.
My mother is my everything and she is the strongest woman I know.
My sister is my rock and has always been my protector.
I have two nieces that came into the this world at pretty hard times in my life.
They have brought nothing but happiness to me every day since then.
I honestly don't know where I would be without my grandparents .
I am inspired daily by music and always have a random song in my head.
I walk around singing and wish to find a guy to sing me to sleep at night.
A boy with a beautiful smile and that can make me laugh is my weakness.
I got a tattoo of an owl when I was 23.
I feel a connection to those wise, protective, holder of secrets.
Some of my biggest passions are traveling and meeting people.
I struggle at times to meet new people because I have always been shy.
When I was younger I wanted to be a firefighter.
Now I want to travel and write a book that gets published.
I am desperate to find love but terrified to give myself to a person.
I have a fear of heights that I constantly push myself to overcome.
I spent a majority of my teen years fighting the image I saw in the mirror.
It's kind of like a sober alcoholic that will always be an alcoholic.
One sip and it's all down hill from there.
I truly believe love can fix the world,
despite how much love has hurt me in the past.
I've been betrayed by many men, including my own father.
When I am with someone I give that person my everything.
I'm scared nobody will ever do the same for me.
I have become quite an independent person over the years.
What I mean by that is I am okay being by myself
 and don't rely on others to be who I am.
I ache to help people who are sad or going through hard times.
I always want to prove to people that they are loved and cared about.
I realize nobody is perfect and I try to see the good in everyone I meet.
I will always be around if someone needs to talk
but I struggle to open myself up to others.
Tears don't come easy for me but if I miss someone
you will find two small rivers flowing down my cheeks.
I have an obsession with tacos, I could eat them everyday.
Surprising enough my sweet tooth hasn't filled my mouth with cavities.
I enjoy laying in the grass and letting the sun warm my skin.
I take way too many pictures of sunsets and the moon.
I would constantly take pictures of friends and family if they let me.
I think we live in such an amazing place but we constantly destroy it.
I have realized when bad things happen I try and pretend it isn't real.
The days of Santa and the Tooth fairy are days I constantly miss.
So, that's me, Michelle, Michey, Pumpkin, Meshell, Chelle, Mimi, M....
The girl who lives to show everyone they are loved
but is terrified that true love will never find her.

Where is the love?

I'm constantly overwhelmed with sadness by the terrible things that go on around me.

Innocence is stolen on a daily basis. Life is taken so carelessly. Hearts are broken. Pain is inflicted without reason. When did things get so out of control? I am aware of my continued talk about love and how all everyone wants is to love and be loved. That's because it is what I believe to be true.

I've sat at my computer crying for two days while I try to put my thoughts together. Trying to figure out how I can actually express my feelings about what's been going on in Connecticut. My chest feels heavy and I am at a loss of words. I honestly can't understand it. I can't imagine what could ever make someone do what has been done. How does someone get to a point in their life they can walk into an elementary school and take the most innocent lives there are to be taken? Children lucky enough to have survived this horrific event will now be living with this experience their entire life. Will they be able to cope with it? Will they constantly be scared for their life? Will they be able to trust others in their future? It can't be undone. I can't even begin to imagine what the families of the people who died that are going through. The teachers who gave their own life  to save the life of the students they care so much about. Forever heroes.

What I do know is that we need to love our children. We need to nurture them and teach them to be good people. We need to demonstrate how to love unconditionally. Neglect and abuse is all to common in this world. Our children are innocent until we come in and fuck it all up. Children are learning daily, watching us, what we do, how we react to things, how we solve problems, how we express ourselves. They are little sponges soaking up our every move. I know this is true from watching my nieces for a year and slowly seeing little parts of me in them. We have to try our absolute best to be sure they will always make the choice to do what's right and give love to the people they come across in life.

I honestly believe that so many issues around the world could be solved if we just loved without limits. If we treated everyone equally and tried to help every person live a happy life. Our own hatred has caused many problems and continues to do so every. single. day.

I can't understand what goes on in the world because I feel so much love and I know that I matter. I know what it is to love unconditionally and to be loved unconditionally. If everyone was given the chance to feel that....I just think the world could be a much better place for our generations to come.

I know some people will read this and call me naive.....(Michelle, it's not that easy, love can't just fix these things, it's bigger than that) but at least you took the time to read my thoughts....

A little release?

The other night I spent twenty minutes sitting in the bathroom with salty tears pouring down my face. I walked out 2 or 3 times thinking it was over and then I quickly realized even if I wanted it to be...it wasn't. 

My entire being felt overwhelmed. I couldn't tell you the exact reason I was crying. I just was. 

The release felt good. Afterwards I felt slightly refreshed. I don't even know the last time I cried such an uncontrollable cry. As hard as I tried to stop it (I don't like crying) I couldn't. This isn't something I am used to but I can tell you I have cried more since I left for California than I have in an entire year. 

I am incredibly close to my family. They are my world. When I know they are hurting, I hurt. When I know they are upset, I am upset. When I know they are unhappy, I am unhappy. 

So since my great grandma passed away a few weeks ago....I know my grandma has been hurting. It hurts me that I can't be there for her, or any of my family. My grandma spends her life giving to other people. Ensuring everyone's happiness around her. She took care of my great grandma, made sure everything was in order. Drove numerous hours monthly to do so, despite the fact that my great grandma had other family living right next to her. My grandma is a selfless person. She would give you the shirt off her back if she thought you needed that. I wish to be like her one day. She is such a strong woman. So, to know she was hurting, to know she lost her mom.....I was left not knowing how to react. I couldn't even call her the day I found out and I feel terrible about it. When we did talk, the next day, I was the one crying, not her. I don't know what I would do without my grandparents. I feel so incredibly lucky to have them in my life. They are two of the most important and influential people I have in my life. 

Also, my sweet Noelle, she's got me feeling so confused about what I am doing out here in CA. The other day me and Beth were trying to Skype but it wasn't working right so, I could see them but they couldn't see me. Noelle was upset but I told her not to be, I said we could still talk even if she couldn't see me. Noelle, my sweet Noelle, says, "I don't care about the video not working Auntie, I just want you to come back here". My heart sank. I felt so sad. Just a few days before when we talked on the phone she kept telling me I was going to "get a spanking if I didn't come back home, right now!". I feel so selfish at times. It's incredibly hard for me simply because I know Noelle and Alem don't fully understand why I am gone or when I am coming back. I know the rest of my family does. I know they all understand why I am here but my nieces don't and it makes me feel so bad at times. 

My 2 best friends are going through some hard shit in their lives right now. I wish I could be there for them both right now. I wish we weren't separated by thousands of miles. I wish I could hug them and show them I am here. All I can do though is tell them I am here and hope the call me when they need to. I check in with them often to be sure they are good but I wish I could do more. 

My dad. Our relationship just upsets me on a daily basis and they way things were left when I came to CA just makes things even harder for me. I don't even know how to feel about our situation but it is a bit too personal to really get into on my blog right now, so I'll save that for another time. 

I know tons of people have situations much worse than mine and I am an unbelievably lucky girl but sometimes I just get kind of overwhelmed. You know?

When I grow up....

Make this background music while you read :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCVrC7Dg2qo

You know when you're a kid and you dream about what your future will be like? You have ideas of what you want to be when you "grow up". For the longest time I wanted to be a firefighter. I remember I had this plastic dress up outfit I would wear all the time...it even had a big hat and "boots" that went over your shoes with it. When I got a little older I remember telling my mom I wanted to live with her until I was 30 and that I wanted to wait until then to get married. I'm pretty sure in my head if I ever got married I would just continue living with my mom, regardless of what the guy wanted. :)

Skip a few years forward and I wanted to be a teacher. I believe this one lasted a bit longer than some of the others that followed. I thought about cosmetology. Photographer. Culinary school (I wanted to be a baker). I got an associates degree with a pre-major in psychology. I think my passion for teaching was taken away when I realized how entitled children these days seem to be. How school doesn't so much seem to be about learning but about the teacher giving the child a passing grade. The parents just go to the teacher yelling if their child gets a bad grade....that they earned....

After receiving my associates degree I really ached to get out of my hometown. That's when I spent a month in Hawaii. Living with a lady I found on craigslist. Hawaii was life changing. It ignited the passion I have for traveling now. When I returned from Hawaii I moved to Raleigh for almost a year but near the end I was miserable with my living situation so.....I took my 4 month road trip  Another unbelievably life changing experience for me. I don't think I will ever stop aching to travel now. It's a part of me. When my road trip was over my sister had her second baby and I spent the following year nannying my two nieces. That year not only brought me closer to my beautiful nieces and my sister but it taught me so much about myself. It was difficult at times to care for a new born baby and a 4 year old (now 1 and 5 of course). I wouldn't take back one single day of it though. If you ask Noelle what she remembers about our year together I am sure she won't forget to mention Alem falling of the bed and Auntie FREAKING out. :)

Now. I sit in San Clemente with my family friend and her two children. I have no idea where I am going with my life. All I really know is that I want to see more of this world. I want to meet new people and experience different cultures. I want to help people. I want to impact every person I meet in a positive way. I want to learn new skills and teach others. I can't imagine going back to school anytime soon. SOJA has a line in one of their songs "maybe I should go back to school but anymore education just makes me feel like a fool" That line speaks volumes to me. I know many people don't understand that though. I will probably finding work here in California soon. Start saving my money back up and begin to brainstorm my next adventure.

Right now though, at this very moment, I am completely content with the unknown. I don't want my life planned out step by step. I don't want to have to live up to certain ideas of how I should be doing things. I want my life to twist and turn in unexpected ways. I want random trips and random friendships. I want to find happiness in the most unexpected places. I want to be free. Every. Single. Day. So right now, my 24 year old self says "When I grow up I want to be free and happy with everything I do in my life."

I'm on Top of the World. :)

Settling.

I spend quite a bit of my time thinking about how easily people settle. Whether it is in a relationship, job, friendship, location....etc. It's something that I have realized is all too easy to let happen. Everyone seems to get comfortable and are fearful of change once they're in a "safe place".

I have many people in my life that I see settle in things I don't believe they should. Being with a person they aren't truly happy with.....because the fear of being alone. Continuing to work a job they hate...because the fear of failure or not being able to do anything else. Keeping friends that treat them terribly....because they don't want to be seen as "unpopular". Staying in the place they grew up because they might fail if they move somewhere else.

All of this worries me. I have never been someone that gets in with a group of people just so I can say I have a certain amount of friends. Now in my life I have a handful of true friends and they are the ones I keep around. I do my best to keep up with them even when I'm thousands of miles away and I know they do the same for me. It's never easy to do but I know that no matter what, they've got my back. I can't say that about many people but I know for a fact that I can say it about my "true friends".  I feel lucky to have them in my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world :)

I will never work a job I hate. I don't see the point in living life in such a miserable way. Many people have jobs that define their life. They wake up and go to work 5 days a week, spending 8-12 hours a day in the same place. Shouldn't you be doing something that makes you wake up and excited to be doing? A huge amount of your life is wasted if you're working in a job you hate. It makes me sad. Many people keep these jobs because of the money they make. In the end that money isn't going to make you happy though.....why not work a job that keeps your life positive and maybe make less money than the job you hate? I think that's a better way to live life....but hey, that's just me.

Now, relationships. I think this one bothers me the most. It tears me up to see someone settling for someone that they aren't really connected to, they aren't truly happy with. When I see people together because they fear the change of being alone, it upsets me so much. I mean I have been in bad relationships and I have stayed with guys way past when I should have. I look back and see it was because I always hope to make things work. I'm not sure I did it because I didn't want to be alone but maybe because I wanted us to work, didn't want to give up. I truly believe I will never be in a relationship like that again. I can't imagine letting a guy do what some others have done to me and staying with them. I've grown a lot the past few years. I've been single a lot and it's all by choice. I think the last guy I was "dating" really opened my eyes to how I have been in relationships and how I need to be. This was only about 6 months ago but my outlook has been transformed since him. So for that, I thank him. Since leaving NC and traveling out west I've met a handful of guys and I see that there is absolutely no reason to settle for someone you aren't happy to be with. I see so many different personalities, different ways guys act around girls (or girls around guys) and what we do to try and win someone over we are attracted to. There are people out there who know how to do it "right". Being alone is terribly hard for some people and I understand that but there are billions of people in this world....BILLIONS!!! :) We are all constantly learning and growing and transforming....don't forget that. We just have to find the person who is willing to learn/grow/transform with us and not settle for the one who is never going to change.....

anyways. just wanted to get some of that off my chest because I think about it so much. Who knows what anyone else thinks haha.

Slow it down..

Wow, what an adventure. 5 days traveling around non-stop with five fellow couchsurfers. I can't even explain what an amazing time I had. I will never forget it!!

So we left Tuesday, the 13th from LA. Raj (from India but lives in Canada) set up the trip. He picked me up in LA and with him already was Evelyn (from China) and Alex (from Russia). We headed to pick up Ramona (from LA) and Fernando (from Spain). The six of us packed into the Suburban with all of our gear tightly squeezed into the back. The start of the trip was slightly awkward with no one really talking. eventually everyone warmed up after stopping for lunch at Subway. The rest of the drive was good, music, singing, dancing and sharing stories. A few hours away from the Grand Canyon we spotted 2 hitchhikers and of course I say "pick them up pick them up" and Raj says it too. So we stop and see it's not just two hitch hikers but their two dogs also. We talk for a minute deciding if they should join or not (we do technically have two open seats). They join us. The pups sit on their laps and the 8 of us plus two doggies continue on our adventure. They're on their way to Kansas so we take them as far as we can but they depart when we stop for groceries a short ways from the Canyon.

Around 10 pm we arrive at the Grand Canyon and find a place to camp out for the night. They guys get the tents set up while the girls get dinner going (spaghetti and beer). After quite a time trying to get the water to boil (no lid for the pot and it's freezing outside) we finally sit down and eat. We call it a night after eating since we want to get started down the Canyon as early as possible in the morning. Since my tent is 2 person and kind of small me and Raj sleep there and the 4 others take the bigger tent. Before we fall asleep me and Raj want to take a picture together in our tent and I have a small laughing spell (if you know me you know how my laughing can be :) ) because Raj can't keep his eyes open when the flash is on the camera. It was hilarious. It was a cold night and the ground was so cold and hard it was basically like sleeping on concrete haha. In the morning we make toast with jelly for breakfast then pack up camp and head to find where to start down the Canyon and to get permits for Back Country camping at the bottom of the Canyon.

After talking to the guy who gives us the back country permits we decide to do the 7 mile hike down the Canyon and go up the other side which is 9.6 miles. How difficult can it be, right? The guy tells us it's not too bad hiking up and the extra 2 miles is mostly flat walking. Ha. We'll see. We drive to one of the look out points to get the top view of the Canyon and then head to the visitors center to park the car and get our gear organized for the hike down. While we're putting our stuff in bags and deciding what we need and don't need (beer is my only priority hehe) 2 rangers walk up and ask where we're headed. We tell them our plan and they tell us not to take all the stuff we're taking. They say it's going to be warmer at the bottom so we don't need the big winter coats or even a tent. She tells us we can just take sleeping bags and sleep right under the stars. So of course, we follow their advice and pack lightly, sleeping bags, food and beer. Then we set out. It wasn't a terrible hike down, some parts made me nervous because of my fear of heights so I was slower (more cautious with my steps). Raj stayed in the back with me though so that was nice. We stopped for a snack and then when we thought we were pretty close to the bottom we all sat around and shared a big bottle of wine. The last 2ish miles were a piece of cake for me then haha. By the time we all arrived to the camp site we were exhausted. Hiking with a backpack is more difficult than you would think, especially since I just had my LLBean bookbag from middle school, not so great on your back with the weight and everything. Our campsite was amazing. Right by a river, trees and the beautiful Canyon surrounding us. The animals that we saw get so close to you and we actually had a mama deer and her baby walk through our site. After getting situated at our site we get dinner made (rice, beans and tortillas) and start drinking. As it gets darker it starts getting colder and we start cursing Erica (the park ranger) for tricking us into not bringing out tent or warm clothes haha. The beer and bourbon helps. I brought a bottle of Jim Beam and Alex also bought a bottle at one of our stops. We pass it around the circle drinking straight from the bottle. Around 7:30 pm we head to the ranger station where we can warm up and play cards until 10 pm. It was such a fun night. Ramona ended up losing her hat at some point (it was a special hat to her) so I went with her and we tried to find it. We were both pretty drunk so it was quite the adventure, we went in circles and eventually found it. After finding it we couldn't find the ranger station so we had to find someone to show us the way haha. When the place closes we head back to camp and set down tarps and the extra sleeping bags one of the rangers lent us (since erica lied haha) then cuddle up under the stars and head to sleep. The guys slept on the outside edges and the girls were in the middle. I felt bad through out the night because Raj was so cold out the outside edge. We all tried to stay as close together as possible to stay warm though :) Adventures. In the morning it was Raj's birthday and we had bought balloons and bread pudding at our stop so we got it together and sang to him. What a good way to spend your birthday right?

I would pee myself if I rode a mule down/up, they are so close to the edge!!

snack break

*sigh* so nice.

Scary path on the edge haha

It doesn't even look real.

Wine circle :)



Look closely and you can see the trail we went down and the bridge over the water is where we ended up :)

Amazingly Gorgeous

Excited to be at the bottom haha

Me and Raj's dirty shoes

I love this one, good times

Bourbon, beer and water. :)

We found the hat!! Yes!

Where we slept, so lucky even with the cold.

About to blow out candles :)

birthday group shot :)

Our campsite view

The deer walking through our site

As we began the hike up nobody truly knew what to expect. Most of us were sore from the previous hike the day before. I will say this, it was the hardest 9.6 miles I've ever walked. The view was amazing and having new friends to share it with was great but it was insane. At the 5 mile point we stopped to eat our bagels with cream cheese. Alex and Fernando had been walking quicker so they were in front of us and waited at the halfway point for us. As we finished up our bagels we were dreading continuing. As we got to the last 3 miles it began to seem never ending. The curves, the incline, the steps, everything seemed impossible. Me, Ramona and Evelyn were struggling. Raj was staying back with us because he wanted to be last to ensure everyone was okay. Near the last mile I came unbelievably close to crying. At the last 3 mile mark my knee was hurting intensely. Every time I had to step up the "steps" and back down I thought I would cry. As I sit typing this I have a heating pad on my knee because the pain is still so bad. When we got to the end I felt like I would cry because I was so proud of all of us. It was the first time Evelyn had ever even been hiking. She did so amazing. We hiked the freaking Grand Canyon. 17 miles. Down one day and up the next morning. How insane? I am so happy of the adventure we shared. I don't know many people (no one off the top of my head) that have done what we did. *sigh* I'm a happy girl. So when we reached the top we had to find Fernando and Alex to meet up with them and head out. Fernando left a note on the car telling us where he was so Raj went and got him. We couldn't find Alex though. Apparently she went faster than Fernando and when he got to the end he couldn't find her anywhere. We called the park rangers to let them know what was going on so they could keep an eye out for her. Then we began to drive around looking for her. As we arrived at one of the stores we thought she may be waiting at a Jeep drove up beside us beeping it's horn. It was Alex, apparently we all just missed her, I don't know how that is even possible but at least we were all back together and she was okay. Everyone was exhausted and in pain. We decided to drive to Vegas, eat and get a hotel for the night so everyone could have a hot shower and good rest. We got to the hotel, everyone showered and then we played Pictionary and Jenga until 3:30 am. It was a fun night. We decided we would get up in the morning and drive to Death Valley to see the Sand Dunes and hopefully find some hot springs to swim in. We checked out of the hotel and went to get breakfast at IHOP. Me and Ramona were the only ones who had ever been to an IHOP so that was cool. Then we headed off to Death Valley. Stopped at Dantes lookout which was beautiful. Went and saw the sand dunes, I stayed back while everyone went and rolled around because my knee was hurting and the hills were excruciating to walk up and down. Next we drove to the hot springs. It was on the way back to Vegas and nobody knew what to expect. Boy was it interesting haha. We arrived and found out the the natural springs were full of bugs now so they didn't recommend us going in them. They had some inside that were apparently filled with the water from the spring. Our option was to go in the group one for $10 a person or get a private one for $25 flat rate. The real kicker was that if we took the public group one.....clothes weren't allowed...no bathing suits or anything. So we decided to go with a private spring. :) We all got changed, grabbed a few beers and headed to our private "spring". We all were so surprised when we got inside. It was like a little square hot tub.....without the jets.....so strange. Haha. It was fun though. We sat in it for an hour drinking and talking. A good/interesting experience. We went back to Vegas after for our last night together and headed to the Strip. I was slightly disappointed to be wearing hiking clothes out on my first night ever in Vegas haha but it was still good times. We ate dinner at a pizza place. Gambled a little and drank free drinks. Got back to the hotel around 4 am and went to sleep around 5 am. Then Fernando left at 7:30 am to go to the airport to fly home and the rest of us headed for the drive back to LA.



On the way back Up

This "steps" of wood killed my knee

One of our many breaks on the way up

Ramona after the 9.6 miles up haha

Look close and you see the trail we followed up...

Again, the trail. So intense.

Trail...

View of Vegas from our hotel

Game Time

Game over!

Dantes View, unreal

group at Dantes View

the moon at the sand dunes

Group on the Mesquite Sand Dunes

Hot springs, haha

The group at dinner

Me and Raj with our drinks, they were too sweet, I refilled mine with beer haha

My beer filled drink in the drink holder that the bathrooms had haha

Put my $5 in and cashed out with 15cents haha

With our free drinks, me with two because some guy walked by and handed me one and told us to follow him hahaa

Inside the Bellagio

I feel so lucky to have had this experience. I met people I am sure to stay in contact with and hopefully see again sometime soon. I learned we can do more than we think is possible at times. We're stronger than we think. I experienced having a group of people who all just met get along and share laughter and stories for 5 days together. I see how people from different places do things and one thing I found intersting was watching how we all ate. Different cultures have unique "quirks" that entertain me. I feel so lucky right now. I'm incredibly happy for my past 5 days and I am so glad to get to share these stories with my friends and family. I feel that even we were on the go every day...life kind of slowed down. I wasn't worried about my phone or what was going on. I just went with the flow and actually had my phone off for the first two days. It was truly a life changing/amazing experience. Glad I replied to the couchsurfing event and was fortunate enough to join Raj and the others. :)