My Honest Poem, inspired by Rudy Francisco

I'm Michelle.
I came into this world during a rainstorm in 1988, it happened to be Halloween.
My mom calls me her pumpkin and my dad called me Michey.
I am as tall as a 5th grader and often get offers to be put in peoples pocket.
I have blue eyes and I am told they are my grandpas.
I spent my childhood riding bikes and catching lightning bugs.
I also spent many nights laying in bed listening to my parents fight.
Once my parents got divorced life seemed a little easier.
My mother is my everything and she is the strongest woman I know.
My sister is my rock and has always been my protector.
I have two nieces that came into the this world at pretty hard times in my life.
They have brought nothing but happiness to me every day since then.
I honestly don't know where I would be without my grandparents .
I am inspired daily by music and always have a random song in my head.
I walk around singing and wish to find a guy to sing me to sleep at night.
A boy with a beautiful smile and that can make me laugh is my weakness.
I got a tattoo of an owl when I was 23.
I feel a connection to those wise, protective, holder of secrets.
Some of my biggest passions are traveling and meeting people.
I struggle at times to meet new people because I have always been shy.
When I was younger I wanted to be a firefighter.
Now I want to travel and write a book that gets published.
I am desperate to find love but terrified to give myself to a person.
I have a fear of heights that I constantly push myself to overcome.
I spent a majority of my teen years fighting the image I saw in the mirror.
It's kind of like a sober alcoholic that will always be an alcoholic.
One sip and it's all down hill from there.
I truly believe love can fix the world,
despite how much love has hurt me in the past.
I've been betrayed by many men, including my own father.
When I am with someone I give that person my everything.
I'm scared nobody will ever do the same for me.
I have become quite an independent person over the years.
What I mean by that is I am okay being by myself
 and don't rely on others to be who I am.
I ache to help people who are sad or going through hard times.
I always want to prove to people that they are loved and cared about.
I realize nobody is perfect and I try to see the good in everyone I meet.
I will always be around if someone needs to talk
but I struggle to open myself up to others.
Tears don't come easy for me but if I miss someone
you will find two small rivers flowing down my cheeks.
I have an obsession with tacos, I could eat them everyday.
Surprising enough my sweet tooth hasn't filled my mouth with cavities.
I enjoy laying in the grass and letting the sun warm my skin.
I take way too many pictures of sunsets and the moon.
I would constantly take pictures of friends and family if they let me.
I think we live in such an amazing place but we constantly destroy it.
I have realized when bad things happen I try and pretend it isn't real.
The days of Santa and the Tooth fairy are days I constantly miss.
So, that's me, Michelle, Michey, Pumpkin, Meshell, Chelle, Mimi, M....
The girl who lives to show everyone they are loved
but is terrified that true love will never find her.

Where is the love?

I'm constantly overwhelmed with sadness by the terrible things that go on around me.

Innocence is stolen on a daily basis. Life is taken so carelessly. Hearts are broken. Pain is inflicted without reason. When did things get so out of control? I am aware of my continued talk about love and how all everyone wants is to love and be loved. That's because it is what I believe to be true.

I've sat at my computer crying for two days while I try to put my thoughts together. Trying to figure out how I can actually express my feelings about what's been going on in Connecticut. My chest feels heavy and I am at a loss of words. I honestly can't understand it. I can't imagine what could ever make someone do what has been done. How does someone get to a point in their life they can walk into an elementary school and take the most innocent lives there are to be taken? Children lucky enough to have survived this horrific event will now be living with this experience their entire life. Will they be able to cope with it? Will they constantly be scared for their life? Will they be able to trust others in their future? It can't be undone. I can't even begin to imagine what the families of the people who died that are going through. The teachers who gave their own life  to save the life of the students they care so much about. Forever heroes.

What I do know is that we need to love our children. We need to nurture them and teach them to be good people. We need to demonstrate how to love unconditionally. Neglect and abuse is all to common in this world. Our children are innocent until we come in and fuck it all up. Children are learning daily, watching us, what we do, how we react to things, how we solve problems, how we express ourselves. They are little sponges soaking up our every move. I know this is true from watching my nieces for a year and slowly seeing little parts of me in them. We have to try our absolute best to be sure they will always make the choice to do what's right and give love to the people they come across in life.

I honestly believe that so many issues around the world could be solved if we just loved without limits. If we treated everyone equally and tried to help every person live a happy life. Our own hatred has caused many problems and continues to do so every. single. day.

I can't understand what goes on in the world because I feel so much love and I know that I matter. I know what it is to love unconditionally and to be loved unconditionally. If everyone was given the chance to feel that....I just think the world could be a much better place for our generations to come.

I know some people will read this and call me naive.....(Michelle, it's not that easy, love can't just fix these things, it's bigger than that) but at least you took the time to read my thoughts....

A little release?

The other night I spent twenty minutes sitting in the bathroom with salty tears pouring down my face. I walked out 2 or 3 times thinking it was over and then I quickly realized even if I wanted it to be...it wasn't. 

My entire being felt overwhelmed. I couldn't tell you the exact reason I was crying. I just was. 

The release felt good. Afterwards I felt slightly refreshed. I don't even know the last time I cried such an uncontrollable cry. As hard as I tried to stop it (I don't like crying) I couldn't. This isn't something I am used to but I can tell you I have cried more since I left for California than I have in an entire year. 

I am incredibly close to my family. They are my world. When I know they are hurting, I hurt. When I know they are upset, I am upset. When I know they are unhappy, I am unhappy. 

So since my great grandma passed away a few weeks ago....I know my grandma has been hurting. It hurts me that I can't be there for her, or any of my family. My grandma spends her life giving to other people. Ensuring everyone's happiness around her. She took care of my great grandma, made sure everything was in order. Drove numerous hours monthly to do so, despite the fact that my great grandma had other family living right next to her. My grandma is a selfless person. She would give you the shirt off her back if she thought you needed that. I wish to be like her one day. She is such a strong woman. So, to know she was hurting, to know she lost her mom.....I was left not knowing how to react. I couldn't even call her the day I found out and I feel terrible about it. When we did talk, the next day, I was the one crying, not her. I don't know what I would do without my grandparents. I feel so incredibly lucky to have them in my life. They are two of the most important and influential people I have in my life. 

Also, my sweet Noelle, she's got me feeling so confused about what I am doing out here in CA. The other day me and Beth were trying to Skype but it wasn't working right so, I could see them but they couldn't see me. Noelle was upset but I told her not to be, I said we could still talk even if she couldn't see me. Noelle, my sweet Noelle, says, "I don't care about the video not working Auntie, I just want you to come back here". My heart sank. I felt so sad. Just a few days before when we talked on the phone she kept telling me I was going to "get a spanking if I didn't come back home, right now!". I feel so selfish at times. It's incredibly hard for me simply because I know Noelle and Alem don't fully understand why I am gone or when I am coming back. I know the rest of my family does. I know they all understand why I am here but my nieces don't and it makes me feel so bad at times. 

My 2 best friends are going through some hard shit in their lives right now. I wish I could be there for them both right now. I wish we weren't separated by thousands of miles. I wish I could hug them and show them I am here. All I can do though is tell them I am here and hope the call me when they need to. I check in with them often to be sure they are good but I wish I could do more. 

My dad. Our relationship just upsets me on a daily basis and they way things were left when I came to CA just makes things even harder for me. I don't even know how to feel about our situation but it is a bit too personal to really get into on my blog right now, so I'll save that for another time. 

I know tons of people have situations much worse than mine and I am an unbelievably lucky girl but sometimes I just get kind of overwhelmed. You know?