The past week or so my mind has been a mess of confusion. Not only about what I am going to do with my life when I am done nannying. If I am failing because I'm not continuing my education right now. If I'll be able to live the life I want instead of conforming to what society expects of me. But about a certain someone who has been in my life for over 8 months now and suddenly, they're not anymore. It seems crazy at times when I think about it. How is this how things are meant to be? I go back and forth on a daily basis and I feel I am driving myself insane. Do I care too much? Do I bring drama into my life?
So I have these thoughts, these "problems", in my life and then I watch a documentary like "Which Way Home" and I feel unbelievably ridiculous. How can I truly worry over things like this? My problems are so minuscule compared to the shit people in other places are going through daily. Struggling to survive, dreaming of a life in this far away, fairy tale land, that turns out to be nothing as expected. My focus seems to be off. I don't want to live my life worrying over such trivial things. I want to just live and be happy, helping others be happy. Watching that documentary and hearing the 17 year old boy traveling to America say he wants to go there to start over and just wants to find a family that will love him because he never had that in his life; it broke my heart. We don't realize how things are in other countries. How people think of America as this dreamland. America disappoints me in so many ways daily; but that's another story. Hearing in that movie how so many people die every days, kids, 6 years old, babies, trying to reach the border into America (how can this be?!). My mind is overwhelmed in wanting to find a way to fix this. Why can't we all just be equal and live in a world where all land is for everyone and it's just one big world united by love. Instead of war, inequality, money being power, hatred. My heart hurts. I hate this.
Then the next documentary I watch called "America the Beautiful", disgust me even more. What are we doing as a country? Why are we so corrupted, fake, backwards? A 12 year old model is a huge part of this movie, modeling things that are meant for much older women. Attending parties with topless girls and alcohol surrounding her. "Regular" middle school children talking about how they are ugly and they've never thought they were attractive because what the media portrays to them. What. Are. We. Doing?!?! We are too focused on all the wrong things here. I can't stand this.
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