Keeping Happiness.

The past 3 or 4 years I have dedicated to trying to find peace within and live a happy life. Finding happiness in life isn't always easy and I believe it is something you have to work to achieve. I've found the need to be aware of the people I share my life with, the environment I live in and the the type of work I choose to do.

I read something the other day that said "You become like the 5 people you spend the most time with. Choose wisely."

It can make you think. Who do you spend the most time with? Are those people you want to be like? Do you have a way to spend less time with them if they aren't?

Anyways, the purpose of this blog is to say things don't always turn out how we may hope for them to. For me though, happiness has to be my main goal in life. I've worked so hard (and continue working every day) to become the person I want to be. I've taken some people out of my life and pulled some in closer. I've quit jobs I didn't feel were meant for me. I've moved from terrible living situations. I spent 4 months on the road trying to figure out who I am and I think I made a lot of progress.

So, the job I started last week with the Grassroots Campaign, working for Save the Children....it was awful. It was nothing like I expected it to be and at the end of my first day I felt drained and let down. I didn't want to tell me friends or family because everyone was so excited for me. I did talk to me friend here though. I told him how I felt about the job and how I wished it was what I expected. He said maybe it would get better. I agreed and went in for my second day. It was no better. The office felt kind of like a joke. People seem to do whatever they want and work whenever they want (which could be nice but when they can't allow me to work certain days because of this...it isn't good). The job was draining. I would be spending 5 hours everyday standing outside a store trying to get donations for Save the Children. People ignore you. People say no. People laugh in your face. Rarely do people actually stop to hear your "rap" or donate money. When people did donate I actually felt guilty taking their money. This job wasn't for me. When I called to tell them it wasn't working out/wasn't what I expected they said they understood and it takes getting used to.

Well, I don't want to get used to that. I don't want to dread going to work everyday just to make a paycheck. So, I'm not going to. It was a hard decision to make because I really do need to start having some money come in but I feel it was necessary. So now I start back at the drawing board. I spent all day yesterday going around collecting applications. Went today and had an interview at a smoothie place. Hopefully I will get that after my second interview this Thursday.

Another big thing I did this morning was go talk to a lady about becoming a yoga instructor. Yoga has been a part of my life for about 5 years now. Since coming to California I have been trying to do some yoga every night before going to bed. I share yoga with my friends and family. I have the children I'm around practice with me. It's something I truly enjoy. So I feel becoming an instructor would be a great opportunity for me. The only problem is the 200 hour course is pretty expensive. But, hopefully would be worth it.

So now I decide if I want to spend the money (if I can even find a way to pay the money) and become a yoga instructor (while also working a job here in San Clemente). Or if I just want to work and save all the money I am making to move on to something new. Decisions. Decisions. Any helpful thoughts?

namaste my friends :)

Cloud 9

For the past few years I have spent most of my time focusing on myself. Trying to discover who I am and what I want to do in my life. The goals I have. What will make me happy. It's not something that was easily achieved, hell, I am still learning about who I am daily. What I can say I have realized about myself is that I have one main goal in my life. 

To make a difference. 

Whether it is one persons life or thousands of people. I want people to look back and remember me being someone that made a positive impact in their life. Someone they won't forget. There are billions of people in the world and some days I just think, "How can little ol' me make a difference?". But I can. 

I've been in California for over 4 months now (wow) and over the past month and a half I started applying for jobs. Now, when I was back home trying to find work before I decided to come out here I had no problem getting a job. Let me just say I got a little slap in the face from California. I started applying to restaurants because I figured it would be the quickest/most way to start saving money again. I have 5 years experience in the restaurant business. I have worked other customer service jobs. I was a nanny for a year. I mean this isn't huge experience but I think it's pretty good to be trying to work in a restaurant. So I start applying, thinking, "this is going to be a piece of cake, I'll be working in no time". But, no, that's not how it went at all. Nothing was working out. I started thinking, fuck, I'm going to have to move back to NC and I will sink into a slow, dark, depression feeling like I am going no where in my life. (dramatic? maybe. but true)   

If I am going to be completely honest though......I wasn't REALLY trying. I had no passion to actually work at any of the places I applied. Sure, some sounded like a cool place I'd like to eat at sometime but in all actuality, I didn't want to be a waitress. I didn't make the effort I should have to get the job. Which was stupid. But after traveling and discovering myself more I made a promise to myself that I would never work a job I hated just to make money. I didn't even have a job and I hated the idea of the jobs I was applying for. 

So this Wednesday morning I woke up, did my workout routine, ate breakfast, then started scanning Craigslist for jobs in Orange County. I always start on Food/Bev/Hosp. then I go to all jobs. Well today I went to the non-profit section....just because. Well, I see a listing, "Work to End Child Poverty". My initial thought? Scam. But I click it anyways just to be sure. The listing leads me to the company website where I find...it's actually not a scam. Hmm. I go to apply. Yikes, all they ask for is your name, phone number, most recent school attended and a paragraph explaining why you want to work for them. Well shit. I want this job now but all I get to grab their attention is a sum of 300 words or less. I start to write. I type a few drafts. Edit. Re-edit. E-mail my mom. Re-edit. Show my friend. Re-edit. Show my friends mom. Re-edit. E-mail my sister. Re-edit. Okay. I think it's perfect. If they don't get that I want this job based on this paragraph....well...fuck. 

So Thursday morning at 9:30 before beginning my morning workout I submit the application. 

10:00 am. I am on the ground doing "heels to the heavens" and my phone starts ringing. It's them. We talk. He says he is happy that I seem so passionate. We set up an interview. 5pm. YES! 

5pm. Interview time. I am super early (of course). I sit in my car for a bit and then go in for the interview. We're waiting on one other person (who never shows) so I fill out some papers while we wait. He starts the interview, basically just telling me about the organization and about Save the Children (the non-profit they are working to raise money/awareness for). He asks me a hypothetical questions. Says I answered perfectly. I'm feeling good but don't want to get too excited. We go over pay/work hours/expectation etc. He hires me on the spot. All I want to do is jump around the room dancing and shouting but instead I smile really big and say "AWESOME!" :)

If you know me personally you know how much I want to work and change lives. You know that I love children (even though I may not want my own) and I want to help people as much as I possibly can. Knowing that I now will be working to inform people of such a great non-profit and raising money to help kids all around the world is such an amazing feeling to me. I'm on cloud 9 right now. 

Just to prove this....here is my "bucket list" I made in 2011 from my journal..... 

#3- Raise money for a charity

#10- Help the children

Guess I'll be crossing those two off now......

Finding Who I'm Not.

I've seen love shared with others.
Witnessed the outcast of some.
Felt the pain of another.
Shared happiness with many.
I've tried to fix the un-fixable .
Help those who don't want it.
I've failed numerous times.
Learned many lessons.
Forgot and learned again.
I've let hate win at times.
Let anger take over.
I've been ashamed.
Lied to escape the pain.
Been told I care too much. But,
Caring too much isn't possible.
Love knows no limits.
You don't overdose on love.
Love heals. Love cures.
I've grown and transformed.
Finding who I am but
Also who I'm not.
I've been on a never ending journey.
A lifelong dedication to myself.
I've been too scared to voice my feelings.
Yet brave enough to change my faults.
I've feared love.
And chased love.
Now I let love happen.
I've ached for too much.
So I gave some away.
I've feared being defeated
Then let it all go and jumped without worry.
I've never tried to be perfect, but,
I've always tried to be exceptional.

music. magic.

my mind feels still.
it's such an unexpected feeling to experience.
the music seeps into my pours and my body is silenced.
the room goes black as my eyes fall shut.
I slowly receive it all.
the pain. the sadness. the bliss. the passion.
it is all just an indescribable, magical, experience.
something so perfect to be shared with another.
as much as I may want to explain....words simply fall short.

Working on Me

The last few years I have been working on trying to become a better me.

I have been trying to push myself outside my comfort level and be less shy and try new things that may scare me. I have been trying to be more honest with my feelings instead of quietly being upset or being too afraid to tell someone how I truly feel. I have been trying to be more active with yoga and running. I have also been trying to not allow things from my past to affect my present because that never works out well for anyone.

I honestly think I have been doing really well and I have made quite a few changes. I mostly say this because the other night (the same night I hosted a couchsurfing event) I got to the restaurant/bar early and was talking to the guy that works there who I have met quite a few times. I was telling him I was a little bit nervous because I had never met any of the people...blah blah blah. And he says to me "You'll be fine, you're such a social person it should be easy." I was kind of shocked at first because I always think of myself as a quiet/shy person because it is who I have always been but then I was like YES! It made me excited that people who are just getting to know me would say that about me because it is something I have been working hard at trying to become.

I've also been doing yoga (almost) every day either when I wake up in the morning, before I go to sleep at night or both. It's been making me feel so much better/happier/free(er). Running around here is more difficult though because the hills are so intense but I am building myself up to be able to run without so much struggle.  Since the beach is so close I have a new goal to go down and walk on the beach at least a few times a week (if not every day) because the beach is the place I go to clear my head and become refreshed.

I have been doing my absolute best to be a more open person and I think I am doing well. I'm not perfect and I never will be but I know I am more open with telling people my feelings. Especially the people I have met since coming to California. I honestly haven't been mad very much since being out here so that isn't a huge issue with telling anyone why I am upset. I am trying to let people know how I feel about them, how much I may appreciate them, how lucky I feel to have them around. I try to send my family/friends letters to remind them of how much they mean to me. I also try to tell my new friends how lucky I feel to have met them. Something that has always been difficult for me though is telling a guy how I truly feel and opening myself up to possibly be hurt. Since coming to Cali I have met a guy that I really enjoy spending time with and that constantly makes me smile. I feel really happy to have met him and I try to remind him of that whenever I can. I think that's a really big step for me (it may seem small to other people). I know I like hearing how someone feels about me so I want to open myself up and let others know how they make me feel. It's always nice to know that you make someone happier.

You only live once. I've thought a lot about that lately and I figure there is no reason to not take chances. If you don't take a risk and do something that scares you (whether it's an activity, talking to a new person or just telling someone how you truly feel about them) then you will never know what could have happened. I have come to realize I would rather risk the chance of "failure" than to look back and wonder "what if". Be open and tell people how you truly feel about them. Try new things. Take a class to learn something you've always wanted to learn. Look up events near you and go to one by yourself and see how many new friends you can make. Take chances.

Everyone knows how much I love music so here is one of my favorite songs right now:

"we are just stories so here's mine to tell, give my heart freely hope you keep it well"

My Honest Poem, inspired by Rudy Francisco

I'm Michelle.
I came into this world during a rainstorm in 1988, it happened to be Halloween.
My mom calls me her pumpkin and my dad called me Michey.
I am as tall as a 5th grader and often get offers to be put in peoples pocket.
I have blue eyes and I am told they are my grandpas.
I spent my childhood riding bikes and catching lightning bugs.
I also spent many nights laying in bed listening to my parents fight.
Once my parents got divorced life seemed a little easier.
My mother is my everything and she is the strongest woman I know.
My sister is my rock and has always been my protector.
I have two nieces that came into the this world at pretty hard times in my life.
They have brought nothing but happiness to me every day since then.
I honestly don't know where I would be without my grandparents .
I am inspired daily by music and always have a random song in my head.
I walk around singing and wish to find a guy to sing me to sleep at night.
A boy with a beautiful smile and that can make me laugh is my weakness.
I got a tattoo of an owl when I was 23.
I feel a connection to those wise, protective, holder of secrets.
Some of my biggest passions are traveling and meeting people.
I struggle at times to meet new people because I have always been shy.
When I was younger I wanted to be a firefighter.
Now I want to travel and write a book that gets published.
I am desperate to find love but terrified to give myself to a person.
I have a fear of heights that I constantly push myself to overcome.
I spent a majority of my teen years fighting the image I saw in the mirror.
It's kind of like a sober alcoholic that will always be an alcoholic.
One sip and it's all down hill from there.
I truly believe love can fix the world,
despite how much love has hurt me in the past.
I've been betrayed by many men, including my own father.
When I am with someone I give that person my everything.
I'm scared nobody will ever do the same for me.
I have become quite an independent person over the years.
What I mean by that is I am okay being by myself
 and don't rely on others to be who I am.
I ache to help people who are sad or going through hard times.
I always want to prove to people that they are loved and cared about.
I realize nobody is perfect and I try to see the good in everyone I meet.
I will always be around if someone needs to talk
but I struggle to open myself up to others.
Tears don't come easy for me but if I miss someone
you will find two small rivers flowing down my cheeks.
I have an obsession with tacos, I could eat them everyday.
Surprising enough my sweet tooth hasn't filled my mouth with cavities.
I enjoy laying in the grass and letting the sun warm my skin.
I take way too many pictures of sunsets and the moon.
I would constantly take pictures of friends and family if they let me.
I think we live in such an amazing place but we constantly destroy it.
I have realized when bad things happen I try and pretend it isn't real.
The days of Santa and the Tooth fairy are days I constantly miss.
So, that's me, Michelle, Michey, Pumpkin, Meshell, Chelle, Mimi, M....
The girl who lives to show everyone they are loved
but is terrified that true love will never find her.

Where is the love?

I'm constantly overwhelmed with sadness by the terrible things that go on around me.

Innocence is stolen on a daily basis. Life is taken so carelessly. Hearts are broken. Pain is inflicted without reason. When did things get so out of control? I am aware of my continued talk about love and how all everyone wants is to love and be loved. That's because it is what I believe to be true.

I've sat at my computer crying for two days while I try to put my thoughts together. Trying to figure out how I can actually express my feelings about what's been going on in Connecticut. My chest feels heavy and I am at a loss of words. I honestly can't understand it. I can't imagine what could ever make someone do what has been done. How does someone get to a point in their life they can walk into an elementary school and take the most innocent lives there are to be taken? Children lucky enough to have survived this horrific event will now be living with this experience their entire life. Will they be able to cope with it? Will they constantly be scared for their life? Will they be able to trust others in their future? It can't be undone. I can't even begin to imagine what the families of the people who died that are going through. The teachers who gave their own life  to save the life of the students they care so much about. Forever heroes.

What I do know is that we need to love our children. We need to nurture them and teach them to be good people. We need to demonstrate how to love unconditionally. Neglect and abuse is all to common in this world. Our children are innocent until we come in and fuck it all up. Children are learning daily, watching us, what we do, how we react to things, how we solve problems, how we express ourselves. They are little sponges soaking up our every move. I know this is true from watching my nieces for a year and slowly seeing little parts of me in them. We have to try our absolute best to be sure they will always make the choice to do what's right and give love to the people they come across in life.

I honestly believe that so many issues around the world could be solved if we just loved without limits. If we treated everyone equally and tried to help every person live a happy life. Our own hatred has caused many problems and continues to do so every. single. day.

I can't understand what goes on in the world because I feel so much love and I know that I matter. I know what it is to love unconditionally and to be loved unconditionally. If everyone was given the chance to feel that....I just think the world could be a much better place for our generations to come.

I know some people will read this and call me naive.....(Michelle, it's not that easy, love can't just fix these things, it's bigger than that) but at least you took the time to read my thoughts....