Sept 2012 Poem

Found this poem in my journal from last year. Thought I would share it.

Sometimes my world feels upside down
This path I am on hasn't turned the right way
I know what to do but not what to say.
I'm scared of these mistakes, scared of the end
my only problem is, where do I begin.
So many changes, all these thoughts running free
But the process, the work, seems impossible to me.
Our country's in pieces, our men are at war
when they return home, they don't know what's in store.
My heart breaks at the thought of the pain they will soon face
The sorrow, despair, those thoughts won't be replaced.
Our children are hungry. Our veterans are poor.
Yet one man has a mansion, gold makes up his door.
The governments twisted, we've lost the right sight
I often wonder, how those people can sleep at night.
I can't believe the lies, too many don't even take a second glance.
All of  these people simply want another chance.
We need to remember we're together every day
United as one is how we all must try and stay.

The Constant in Life is Change

I've had millions of thoughts running through my mind constantly lately. It's been incredibly hard to quiet my mind enough to even do my yoga practice. The other night I went out with my best friend so we could have some time together before I go back home for 10 days. We had drinks on a beautiful roof top bar with her boyfriends mom and aunt then had a little time to ourselves to talk. As I mentioned my mind has been a bit of a mess so it was really good to talk to her. After we left the rooftop bar we went back to the mom and aunt's condo they were staying in because they wanted to cook us dinner. The place was beautiful. Right on the water. We went out on to the balcony to see the view and I almost started crying. I stood out there for a few minutes taking it all in. Thinking. Remembering. Thinking.

The view from the rooftop bar

I have been in California for 6 months now and I have enjoyed it so very much. I have wonderful family friends who have taken me in as their own, no questions asked. I have met some incredible friends who I feel so lucky to now have in my life. I met an amazing guy who has had such a life changing impact on my life. I started a yoga teaching course which is just the beginning of another journey in my beautiful life. I feel so fortunate.

Sometimes things don't always work out how we want them to. But then when we take a step back and remember the bigger picture, we realize things work out as they should. My heart has been heavy the last few days. I have been contemplating (pretty seriously) about coming home when I am done with my yoga course. I know most people will read this and think, WHAT?! Why would she want to come back to North Carolina? She is in California, what would make her want to be back there? And what I have to say to these people is this; My family is my entire world. They are my rock. My backbone. They keep me strong. They push me to do things I may have been too scared to do without them. They remind me of who I am and who I want to be. They encourage me to live my dreams and never look back. They love me unconditionally and support every single thing I do with my life. Without them there is no way I would be who I am today. They have helped make me the caring, selfless, passionate, free spirited, happy person I am today.

With all that being said, I can't stand to be so far away from them for so long anymore. I miss them every single day. I cringe at the thought of all the things I am missing out on with my nieces. I miss getting hugs from them every day. I miss laughing and talking and dancing and singing and sharing life with all of them. When someone is as lucky as me to have such an amazing family, I feel I need to be closer to them. So I want to be. I also miss my best friends greatly. I miss our nights out and our long talks and our fun times together. It's hard to find quality friends in life and I need them closer.

I also don't think it is financially feasible for me to stay in California much longer after my yoga course. I have been living with a family friend and I have been so lucky to have this free place to live. But, they have their own life and 2 children and if I were to stay longer I would need to branch out on my own. I would need to get my own place and a real job making good money (which is hard to find out here). It's also incredibly expensive to live in California. All my money has been going towards this yoga course so when it is over I will be, broke, broke broke flat broke. I won't have money saved. It doesn't seem like the best idea to stay out here much longer.

It makes me sad to think of leaving the people I have met. Think of leaving my best friend I made here and not having our fun nights out dancing by ourselves makes me sad (I love you maryann!!). I don't like knowing that things will end with the guy I met. But things work out. They always have and they always will. I have beautiful memories to carry with me in life. I have lessons learned. I have grown even more into the person I am trying to become. I will have a yoga certificate and be able to bring yoga to people back home. Which I believe yoga is very much needed in many places back home. I will get to be back with my family. My outlook on life has changed quite a bit and before I probably would have thought I was "failing" if I went back to NC. But now I feel there is no way I am failing with all the things I can do with my life. I can bring happiness and love to any place I live and that's all that matters to me. Family. Love. Friends. Happiness. That's all I need in life. Oh, and yoga, of course :)

Riding the Wave

It's been a while since my last post. I've had quite a bit going on and tons of stuff on my mind making it a bit difficult to gather my thoughts enough to sit down and write.

I began my 200 hr Yoga Teaching course on March 1 and so far it's be an absolutely amazing experience. It truly feels like exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now. I watch people (as well as myself at times) rush through life without taking time for themselves to slow down every once in a while. For me it doesn't seem like the best way to live your life. When we are constantly on the move to the next event that is going on then we never have time to actually enjoy the place we are in the current moment. We can't always be planning our next move. I know this is really hard for some people, including myself at times. Reading the books that have be assigned for the course has been so inspiring for me. I seem to read certain things at the perfect time, right when I need to be assured of something or just to adjust my train of thought about certain issues.

Many people don't realize yoga isn't just a class you go to every week to try to get in shape. Yoga is a lifestyle we choose to live. I had a friend ask me why I like yoga so much, "what's so great about it?". I thought for a moment before responding. To me yoga is about finding yourself. It's about realizing happiness is found on the inside. Yoga is about learning your body and how everything connects and works together. Yoga, to me, is about finding ways to remain content in life, no matter what comes your way. It's a way to choose to live a life of happiness and not allowing external things to affect you. It's about being the person you would want to have as your friend. Yoga is finding inner peace. Our bodies are our temples and we have to take care of them and nurture them and that is what yoga helps you do.

The past few weeks have been difficult for me because I have been trying to look too far ahead, trying to plan what I will be doing in the next few months. It has been ruining my contentment. It was making me anxious and sad. After reading more of my yoga books I realize I can't do this. I have to just "ride the wave" and let life guide me instead of me trying to guide life. Things will work out. They always do. I have to trust that no matter what, it has brought me to where I am today and I am happy with that :)

Yoga makes me happy. After every single practice I leave feeling amazing, lighter, happier. So, yes, yoga is going to be one of the main things I will talk about but it's only because it's such a beautiful thing that I want to share with everyone I love. <3 p="">

Keeping Happiness.

The past 3 or 4 years I have dedicated to trying to find peace within and live a happy life. Finding happiness in life isn't always easy and I believe it is something you have to work to achieve. I've found the need to be aware of the people I share my life with, the environment I live in and the the type of work I choose to do.

I read something the other day that said "You become like the 5 people you spend the most time with. Choose wisely."

It can make you think. Who do you spend the most time with? Are those people you want to be like? Do you have a way to spend less time with them if they aren't?

Anyways, the purpose of this blog is to say things don't always turn out how we may hope for them to. For me though, happiness has to be my main goal in life. I've worked so hard (and continue working every day) to become the person I want to be. I've taken some people out of my life and pulled some in closer. I've quit jobs I didn't feel were meant for me. I've moved from terrible living situations. I spent 4 months on the road trying to figure out who I am and I think I made a lot of progress.

So, the job I started last week with the Grassroots Campaign, working for Save the Children....it was awful. It was nothing like I expected it to be and at the end of my first day I felt drained and let down. I didn't want to tell me friends or family because everyone was so excited for me. I did talk to me friend here though. I told him how I felt about the job and how I wished it was what I expected. He said maybe it would get better. I agreed and went in for my second day. It was no better. The office felt kind of like a joke. People seem to do whatever they want and work whenever they want (which could be nice but when they can't allow me to work certain days because of this...it isn't good). The job was draining. I would be spending 5 hours everyday standing outside a store trying to get donations for Save the Children. People ignore you. People say no. People laugh in your face. Rarely do people actually stop to hear your "rap" or donate money. When people did donate I actually felt guilty taking their money. This job wasn't for me. When I called to tell them it wasn't working out/wasn't what I expected they said they understood and it takes getting used to.

Well, I don't want to get used to that. I don't want to dread going to work everyday just to make a paycheck. So, I'm not going to. It was a hard decision to make because I really do need to start having some money come in but I feel it was necessary. So now I start back at the drawing board. I spent all day yesterday going around collecting applications. Went today and had an interview at a smoothie place. Hopefully I will get that after my second interview this Thursday.

Another big thing I did this morning was go talk to a lady about becoming a yoga instructor. Yoga has been a part of my life for about 5 years now. Since coming to California I have been trying to do some yoga every night before going to bed. I share yoga with my friends and family. I have the children I'm around practice with me. It's something I truly enjoy. So I feel becoming an instructor would be a great opportunity for me. The only problem is the 200 hour course is pretty expensive. But, hopefully would be worth it.

So now I decide if I want to spend the money (if I can even find a way to pay the money) and become a yoga instructor (while also working a job here in San Clemente). Or if I just want to work and save all the money I am making to move on to something new. Decisions. Decisions. Any helpful thoughts?

namaste my friends :)

Cloud 9

For the past few years I have spent most of my time focusing on myself. Trying to discover who I am and what I want to do in my life. The goals I have. What will make me happy. It's not something that was easily achieved, hell, I am still learning about who I am daily. What I can say I have realized about myself is that I have one main goal in my life. 

To make a difference. 

Whether it is one persons life or thousands of people. I want people to look back and remember me being someone that made a positive impact in their life. Someone they won't forget. There are billions of people in the world and some days I just think, "How can little ol' me make a difference?". But I can. 

I've been in California for over 4 months now (wow) and over the past month and a half I started applying for jobs. Now, when I was back home trying to find work before I decided to come out here I had no problem getting a job. Let me just say I got a little slap in the face from California. I started applying to restaurants because I figured it would be the quickest/most way to start saving money again. I have 5 years experience in the restaurant business. I have worked other customer service jobs. I was a nanny for a year. I mean this isn't huge experience but I think it's pretty good to be trying to work in a restaurant. So I start applying, thinking, "this is going to be a piece of cake, I'll be working in no time". But, no, that's not how it went at all. Nothing was working out. I started thinking, fuck, I'm going to have to move back to NC and I will sink into a slow, dark, depression feeling like I am going no where in my life. (dramatic? maybe. but true)   

If I am going to be completely honest though......I wasn't REALLY trying. I had no passion to actually work at any of the places I applied. Sure, some sounded like a cool place I'd like to eat at sometime but in all actuality, I didn't want to be a waitress. I didn't make the effort I should have to get the job. Which was stupid. But after traveling and discovering myself more I made a promise to myself that I would never work a job I hated just to make money. I didn't even have a job and I hated the idea of the jobs I was applying for. 

So this Wednesday morning I woke up, did my workout routine, ate breakfast, then started scanning Craigslist for jobs in Orange County. I always start on Food/Bev/Hosp. then I go to all jobs. Well today I went to the non-profit section....just because. Well, I see a listing, "Work to End Child Poverty". My initial thought? Scam. But I click it anyways just to be sure. The listing leads me to the company website where I find...it's actually not a scam. Hmm. I go to apply. Yikes, all they ask for is your name, phone number, most recent school attended and a paragraph explaining why you want to work for them. Well shit. I want this job now but all I get to grab their attention is a sum of 300 words or less. I start to write. I type a few drafts. Edit. Re-edit. E-mail my mom. Re-edit. Show my friend. Re-edit. Show my friends mom. Re-edit. E-mail my sister. Re-edit. Okay. I think it's perfect. If they don't get that I want this job based on this paragraph....well...fuck. 

So Thursday morning at 9:30 before beginning my morning workout I submit the application. 

10:00 am. I am on the ground doing "heels to the heavens" and my phone starts ringing. It's them. We talk. He says he is happy that I seem so passionate. We set up an interview. 5pm. YES! 

5pm. Interview time. I am super early (of course). I sit in my car for a bit and then go in for the interview. We're waiting on one other person (who never shows) so I fill out some papers while we wait. He starts the interview, basically just telling me about the organization and about Save the Children (the non-profit they are working to raise money/awareness for). He asks me a hypothetical questions. Says I answered perfectly. I'm feeling good but don't want to get too excited. We go over pay/work hours/expectation etc. He hires me on the spot. All I want to do is jump around the room dancing and shouting but instead I smile really big and say "AWESOME!" :)

If you know me personally you know how much I want to work and change lives. You know that I love children (even though I may not want my own) and I want to help people as much as I possibly can. Knowing that I now will be working to inform people of such a great non-profit and raising money to help kids all around the world is such an amazing feeling to me. I'm on cloud 9 right now. 

Just to prove this....here is my "bucket list" I made in 2011 from my journal..... 

#3- Raise money for a charity

#10- Help the children

Guess I'll be crossing those two off now......

Finding Who I'm Not.

I've seen love shared with others.
Witnessed the outcast of some.
Felt the pain of another.
Shared happiness with many.
I've tried to fix the un-fixable .
Help those who don't want it.
I've failed numerous times.
Learned many lessons.
Forgot and learned again.
I've let hate win at times.
Let anger take over.
I've been ashamed.
Lied to escape the pain.
Been told I care too much. But,
Caring too much isn't possible.
Love knows no limits.
You don't overdose on love.
Love heals. Love cures.
I've grown and transformed.
Finding who I am but
Also who I'm not.
I've been on a never ending journey.
A lifelong dedication to myself.
I've been too scared to voice my feelings.
Yet brave enough to change my faults.
I've feared love.
And chased love.
Now I let love happen.
I've ached for too much.
So I gave some away.
I've feared being defeated
Then let it all go and jumped without worry.
I've never tried to be perfect, but,
I've always tried to be exceptional.

music. magic.

my mind feels still.
it's such an unexpected feeling to experience.
the music seeps into my pours and my body is silenced.
the room goes black as my eyes fall shut.
I slowly receive it all.
the pain. the sadness. the bliss. the passion.
it is all just an indescribable, magical, experience.
something so perfect to be shared with another.
as much as I may want to explain....words simply fall short.