I can't promise you that I won't let you down.

My mind doesn't stop turning. Quietness doesn't come. I haven't reached nirvana yet. I try the counting while meditating. Deep breath in "one", deep breath out "two", deep breath in "three", deep breath in "four"......what am I gonna do when I'm not nannying? I wonder where I should go next. This floor is so creaky. My nose itches. Ugh, now I have to start over, deep breath in "one", deep breath out "two".....and so on. One day I will be doing this with ease to one hundred.

I believe the closer it gets to my time to move on to a new adventure, the more nervous I become. I'm not one for plans. I enjoy going with the flow. I don't like to make plans too far in advance because I never know what may come up last minute. Right now though, I just feel the need to know more about what my future holds. Thinking about it now, my chest feels heavy. There are so many ways I can fail. Yet the abundance of opportunities that sit before me is unreal. I am incredibly lucky to have the family that I do. The support and love I am given is not something everyone gets when trying to chase their dreams. I still feel scared.

I'm young. My future is bright. Why do I feel this way? Sometimes I feel like I am letting my family down. Not continuing my education, getting a degree and starting a career. Settling down. My mind never thinks of that as an option though. I want to travel and experience new cultures. Meet new people. Learn daily. I don't want to sit still. I don't want to be tied down. I'm scared to even start a relationship at times because the chances of that changing my path. How do I know if it's meant to be or not? I've got to stop thinking so much. I need to just go with it. Things work out, they always do.

Right?

Nothing else matters.

As I lay in bed preparing to fall asleep on the bottom bunk and a little voice from above whispers "Auntie, we forgot to water our flowers", I feel 5 again. She brings me back to childhood. Being carefree. Relaxing. Taking it easy. In the middle of the day I take a second and play some music. She sits on the couch and watches me dance around silly for a few minutes, smiling. Finally she gives in and comes to dance with me. Nothing else matters in that moment. We go for adventure walks atleast once a day, usually 3 or 4. Finding bottle caps, paper clips, pretty rocks, string, pennies, pebbles, cool leaves. In those moments, nothing else matters. Playing at the park and seeing how high we can get her on the swing. Having a picnic and making up songs. Wondering why Auntie is "so slow" when she is on her bike. Giving kisses to her boo boos. Fixing her hair, two "balls", one braid in the back, one "ball" on top. Nothing else matters in these moments. Tickling sister. Getting sister to "fetch". Watching sister crawl so fast to follow us into the kitchen. Finding ways to make her laugh. Nothing else matters then. Being creative. Being happy. Loving. Sharing. Teaching. Growing. Laughing, Crying.

How could anything else matter in these moments? I realized how much influence I have on my nieces today. Watching them 5 days a week, for about 7 months now, I see the impact I've made. I see myself in Noelle often. I hear her say she wants to do things to be like me. She watches me closely, as I dance, brush my teeth, fix my hair, get dressed, play outside, talk, laugh. I have to be a positive influence. I have to teach her to be happy and to share happiness. To be open to meeting new people and constantly being friendly. I try to talk to people so she see's there is nothing to be worried about, yet still teach her that some people are bad. I want her to laugh and play, let her imagination run wild. I try to find creative things to make with her. Get her outside as often as possible. Play games she makes up. I want her to be honest about her feelings, never holding anything back. I want her to remember these days forever. I feel so lucky. I have such an amazing family.

Let love in

It seems inevitable that my past becomes so intertwined with my present. It is forever a part of me but in some ways I wish I could let pieces of it go. I mature and constantly I am changing, although, without fail, some things just come back to haunt me. I have made it clear to myself I can be alone, I can be independent and I realize I don't NEED someone else to live a happy life. Another person around just makes days somewhat better, more exciting. Sharing life, growing together, learning together, changing together. I desperately want to let someone in, give them all of me and in turn have all of them. Lock their love up tight and never allow them to hurt because of me. Yet, something is constantly stopping me, filling my head with doubt, endlessly spilling questions through my mind. Can I trust? Will I be hurt? Will love be unconditional? I can't let my past relationships affect my current. It's is tiresome and something I constantly wish I could stop worrying about. Being hurt scars you, leaves a mark you won't forget so how do I get past it? How do I ensure I won't let it hurt my future relationships?

I've traveled I've traveled
Remain so very dazzled
I've sought and I've found
I'm high off the ground
Come away with my heart
We've felt it from the start
I can't shake the feeling
Mind endlessly reeling
Extremely elated
Look what we've created
A moment to stray
Left us both in dismay
Finally back on the track
Ill take a second and ask
Will you follow my lead
See there's one thing I need
Lose your inhibition
This story's unwritten
Let's start this from scratch
Become a perfect match
Continually growing
Love endlessly flowing
Take a journey with me
It's all that we need
A map without reason
We're open to season
The road that we're chasin
The plans we'll be makin

what's going on

the abundance of people in this world is amazing

but what is so amazing about it is how alone people can still feel

how can we be surrounded by others yet feel like we're on our own

america has become something that isn't always so wonderful

our power and greed has formed society into emotionless zombies

money, power, property is what people strive for

happiness, love, compassion are put on the back burner

how do we get by? do we really get by?

suicides, murders, mental hospitals, nursing homes.

we need to take a step back and remember what means the most

in the end our money and belongings won't get us much

since when are street people not as important as CEOs

how do the homeless not have a voice? they have a story to tell.

most likely they have more to say than any higher up on the corporate ladder

I have met beautiful people, with soul and passion, and loneliness.

Smile.

sometimes when  I sit by the ocean
i feel like I'm the only person in the world
because the way the waves crash
makes me believe that there can be no evil
and the way the sand moves through my toes
makes be believe that we can do no wrong
but then I'm brought back to the moment
when that mom is yelling at her child
to stop getting sand on her tanning skin
but all that little girl wants to do is play
or when the couple beside me begins to argue
about where they're going to dinner
and "why were you staring at her?"
when all either one of them wants to do
is be loved and feel secure
but it's not always that easy
we can't always just run free and play
or feel like we are in are safe haven
every second of the day
because there are bad people out there and
yes we will get hit with pain
sometimes hard enough to knock us down
and never want to get back up
but we have to remember
there are also beautiful people out there
warriors, to pick us up when
we've sunk so low they can barely reach us
because there are too many beautiful sunsets
to be stuck so far down
and if you ever hear that couple fighting
or that mom yelling at her little girl
just turn their way with a huge smile on your face
because your your smile will be infectious
causing that chain reaction so when anyone sees it
they can't help but smile back
and then they'll remember that even if they're hurting
somebody cares and wants to see them happy.

Got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts, I'm alive.

I am wandering free
I drift through this world. I float along this path I create so I can fly and be free.
I breathe. Deep. Take every second of it in. I move slowly and surely, all the while I am free.
I feel the pain of being alone and the joy of being completely free.
I believe in myself. My beautiful, perfect, carefree self.
I long for a companion to share my journey with but then I remember I am free.
I ache for a source of income that will aid me but then I remember I am free.
The sites overwhelm me and catch my breath.
Finding myself is my goal, losing my self will happen.
Strong, independent and worthy is me.

Eddie Vedder: Guaranteed. The song that moves me so deeply right now. Listen. Love.